I can’t do it. I think it’s interesting and addicting as hell, but I will stay right here thank you very much.

Don’t worry people. I’ll still always use this as my space to put up stupid pictures  and my goofy writings…

and most of my posts are 100% porn free!

Here are this week’s pictures that made me laugh. Enjoy!

Also, every week, to keep myself motivated on keeping this blog alive, I will try to upload several funny pics every Saturday. So check back then at least!

MY MIND IS BLOWN

Whoops! Now how did Kate Beckinsale get in there? Oh well. You can stay Kate, you can stay…

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I am digging this Shin’s song from their new album right now.  It reminds me of  how it feels to have a crush on someone in your early, teenage years. I especially am fond of the last few verses….

 

Well, this is just a simple song,
To say what you done.
I told you ’bout all those fears,
And away they did run.
You sure must be strong,
And you feel like an ocean being warmed by the sun.

When I was just nine years old,
I swear that i dreamt,
Your face on a football field,
And a kiss that I kept,
Under my vest.
Apart from everything,
But the heart in my chest.

I know that things can really get rough,
When you go it alone.
Don’t go thinking you gotta be tough,
To play like a stone.
Could be there’s nothing else in our lives so critical,
As this little home.

My life in an upturned boat,
Marooned on a cliff.
You brought me a great big flood,
And you gave me a lift.
Girl, what a gift.
Will you tell me with your tongue,
And your breath was in my lungs,
And we float over the rift.

I know that things can really get rough,
When you go it alone.
Don’t go thinking you gotta be tough,
To play like a stone.
Could be there’s nothing else in our lives so critical,
As this little home.

And you feel like an ocean being warm by the sun.

Remember walking a mile to your house,
Aglow in the dark?
I made a fumbling play for your heart,
And the act struck a spark.
You wore a charm on the chain that I stole,
‘Especial for you.
Love’s such a delicate thing that we do,
With nothing to prove,
Which I never knew….

Gwen!

Cupid stuck me with his love sick arrows

Damn it all

It’s true

I can not look at this face and not love it completely

whole-heartedly

and do everything I can to keep it safe

 

 

I want you to know

that I will always be there for you

and even for some unforeseen reason

that I am not

that I will have someone

somehow

always protecting you

 

 

And to remember that all people

(even cookies)

have fears of what is unknown or different

 

 

but

to be brave

is to be good-hearted

and that will carry you through

in the scariest and darkest of times

 

 

 

love,

Your Dad

 

 

Sometimes we rock n’ roll…

Image

sometimes we stay at home…

Image

and it’s just fine…

this heart’s on fire…

this heart’s on fire…

this heart’s on fire…

Dear Gwendolyn,

If you are ever interested in your birth story and learning the how, why’s and what’s of how it all went down then I encourage you to read further. If you like to believe that you really were born in an exotic country and secretly heir to a royal throne that you will one day find out about, then don’t keep going. You may be disappointed.

Turns out that most people (including myself), don’t really have a clue as to what happened on and around the day of their birth. Right now, that makes me sad because that is a somewhat significant day in our lives and all…the whole day we came into existence and what-not. It should be something we know a little bit about, right?

So, I decided to write it down for you while everything is still relatively fresh in my memory for you to read  whenever you shall wish.

We decided to name you Gwendolyn because, well, we love the sound of it and the origin of the name is from a story about Merlin’s (the great Wizard!) wife. Your mother and I being the nerds that we are, found this incredibly delightful. Your name also means White Ring or White Bow in Welsh. For a long time we did have trouble deciding on your name. You were very close to being called Sally, Carly, Jane, Hazel and even Wilhemina!  We were having trouble deciding until three days prior to your supposed due date when I was walking along Lake Michigan at Montrose Harbor on an oddly, sunny, beautiful February day. Suddenly, as I looked thoughtfully out into the lake and thought about you, your delivery day, and what I wanted to eat for lunch, a voice very strongly inside my head said, “Just call her Gwendolyn already!” And so I listened to the spirit of the lake or whatever that was, came home and told your mother that is what your name is going to be and that’s it. True story. Well, all of this is actually, so, moot point.

Now here are the details about your birth. We went to Swedish hospital the night of Sunday, March 4, one week past your due date. Your mother was given a drug to see if it would kick her into labor. 12 hours later, we found out that your mom was only 2 cm dilated. Totally lame. So, the drug Pitocin was given to start the labor for her. I should mention that at this point, we had used midwives for you and your mom’s care all along. They are a wonderful group located at Swedish Covenant Hospital. The midwife who came onto duty that Monday morning was Amy Graff. If you ever wanted to thank somebody that you didn’t know, but who was invaluable in getting you into this world safely then look her up one day and say to her, “You helped deliver me, ____ years ago. My parents said that you were an amazing and wonderful midwife. Thanks!” Also with us, starting on late Monday afternoon was your Aunt Monica, who was there giving us great love and support.

Anyway, the drug Pitocin did the trick because about 7 hours at about 5:30 p.m., your mom put down the book, ‘The Hunger Games’ that she was reading (it’s a pretty awesome book), stood up and her water broke right in front of me. The midwife Amy came back and now Amanda was 4 cm! Things were progressing! Then something happened.

From about 5:30 until 7 p.m., the contractions became super intense for your mom. It went from 0-60 in no time. Your mom did really great holding onto me while standing up and I’m not going to sugar-coat it here, screamed like a wild Banshee on fire. It was scary as I had never heard her or any living human being, make a sound like that before. She yelled so loud that she made Aunt Monica faint! We saw on the monitor that contractions were very close together and even though your mom said she wanted to try it without any pain medication, she now was asking for them. Actually what she said was not suitable for print and young ears.

But when Amy and the other nurses came back into the room, they said, “Sorry no pain meds now because Amanda is 9 cm!” Holy cow from 4 cm to 9 cm in about an hour. Ay yi yi! And now we can’t give her any medication or an epidural. But I wasn’t too terribly scared because I was seeing how tough your mother could be. (Easy for me to say because I wasn’t the one trying to push you out and go through all that physical pain.) So for another painful and frustrating hour your mom couldn’t push you until she was a full 10 cm. But Amy was helping your mother so very much. So was Christina , the room RN. I felt confident being in the middle of everything with those two. I think we made a good team. Either that or I totally annoyed them all.

Finally at 7:30 pm your mom was allowed to fully push and one hour later I could see the top of your head. You were right there!   Another big push and out popped your whole head! I was looking at you and you were facing me with your big, fat baby cheeks. You looked so beautiful already. Even though you had this dusky blue tint to you and were covered in who-know’s-what.  By the way, I am downplaying your mom’s pushing ability  and high tolerance of pain that happened here. The staff was thoroughly impressed by your mom. She did beyond incredible and I am so proud of her.

I had talked with Amy before hand about pulling you out and catching you and she was fine with it. She had made sure the cord was not around your neck. (It was, but not for very long at all). So, I had my medical gloves on and when Amanda gave one big, ol’ final push you, I pulled slightly on you and out you came into my arms and there you were. Alive and complete. Not screaming but kicking. And actually you were really chill. You kind of bobbed your head around several times as if to say, “Alright. This party looks cool. I can hang out here.” You gave out one good cry which was a relief to hear you take your first actual breaths. Maybe I cried just a bit (I did), as did your mom, Aunt Moni and even Amy a little. I gave you to mom along with the nurses as they wiped you off a bit and you were just the sweetest thing. Already attached to her breast and trying to feed, you reminded me of a hungry, little baby bird. Totally covered in slime.

I gave Amy a hug and counted your fingers and toes. Amanda said, “We created a person,” a few times and was so smiley. I cut your cord, your mom delivered your placenta about 5 minutes after that and they got you weighed. 8 pds 7 oz. and I have forgotten how long you were. Please forgive me. But you had long limbs and torso. Very clear skin and no horns, surprise twin or long tail. Totally healthy much to our relief. One week later and you have been the sweetest kid. Your Aunt Monica was absolutely stellar in taking care of us, our house and you too for the first few days. We are very grateful to her.

Well, that’s about it for the story of your actual birth. I  love you and am off to hold you right now!

 

 

love you forever,

your pops

 Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am to have the friends that I do.

I feel that at this very moment,

Amanda and I are in a roller-coaster car and we are clickety- clacketing on up that hill

very slowly, yet smoothly

And once the baby finally arrives and is here,

we are going to descend into a  rapid, wacky ride filled with twists, turns, dips and corkscrews

and we will all be screaming

and crying

and happy

and scared

and anxious

but mostly happy

I

hope

Home Improvement things that we have actually and recently bought that  I am going to try and make sound sexy and cool but they’re not:

 

Silky, smooth 40-gallon hot water heater that drips with wet anticipation

 

Deep, plush Berber carpet that’s neatly and tightly trimmed

 

Low to the ground bed for easy in and out access

 

Robust chest that is perfect in it’s texture and shape

 

Hot, thick and dark power line juicing with electricity

 

Tile Grout

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shirley Temple once drank 8 quarts of kangaroo blood in a diner just outside of Albuquerque.

It is impossible to ever sink the two, five, nine  and eight ball in a standard game of billiards.

The tuba was named for my great aunt, Tuba Farrar.  A real fat ass.

In medieval times, cavities in your  teeth were called “sugar kisses.”  Cavities in your body were called stab wounds.

“Winnie the Pooh” means ‘Thank you” in Egypt.

The first time someone ever tried to lasso a bull, it was hysterical for a few seconds and then incredibly tragic.

BONUS TIME: 3 sentences that have probably never been said, ever:

We called him Uncle Disco because he had spinal cancer.

Once this glue dries on my shotgun, all these penguins will start fucking each other.

That spaghetti, lo and behold, made seven German babies invisible.