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Never trust a big butt and smile

Rob Base is not internationally known

It is actually possible to flow like a harpoon daily and nightly

Humpty likes his oatmeal lumpy





I meandered slowly out of the historic Hotel Bethlehem, not sure what I was doing or where I was going.  It was the early evening hours and the air was still sticky and humid. I looked to my right and saw the sharp downward slant of the cobblestone street and then just past the outskirts of the small town, the upswing of rolling green hills and small mountain slopes.  Norman Rockwell era shops and boutiques line Main St. and everything is just picture perfect and serene. I am reminded of how beautiful small town America can be and take a moment to thank the Jesus that I am healthy and alive.

Boy, it sure is pret-OH SHIT! A SHUTTLE BUS!! I say to myself and watch a small, white bus pull right up next to me, near the front of the hotel.

As I debate if I should actually go get on it, a family all wearing white T-shirts shuffle past me, chatting excitedly. Their T-shirts all say My Own Private… and there is a picture of the state of Idaho underneath the letters. (I think My Own Private Idaho is a movie where Keanu Reeves is gay for a farmer, but I am too lazy to Wikipidea this right now. )

Interesting I think and I board the Hotel Bethlehem shuttle bus, following them like a lemming.

I am the last to board and as I get on I say real loud, “WHERE ARE WE GOING?!”

They all scream back simultaneously, “The B-52s and Squeeze concert!”

“Really??!” I shout back , confused.

“Yes! At the Casino!!” they roar back and I instantly like them because they are laughing at me and smiling and seem like good people.

“Okay I’m going with you!”

“Do you have a ticket?” one of them asks.

“Ummm, no!” I said and the bus takes off.  Too late now to go back!

So I ride with them. There are a total of 9 family members. There was the dad who was completely bald and wore tiny glasses and had polka dot pajama pants, the mom who looked like a typical 50 something year old mom, their three daughters ages 16-23, the two daughter’s boyfriends and the dad’s younger brother who was with his boyfriend.

As I looked at them all I could think was Modern Family. I am totally with the cast of Modern Family.

I talked with them all the way to The Sands Casino of Bethlehem, PA.  I soon learn that the kids are all amazingly awesome, sincerely nice and musically talented. The fact that they all look like tiny hipsters from a college alt-rock band also makes me smile. Near the end of the trip, they give me an extra ticket that they had to check out the concert with them. Very cool.

I go into the casino and shortly split up from them as I don’t want to intrude on their family outing. I left them feeling somewhat sad because they were all so fun and energetic to be around.

I see the B-52s play a bit and then bounce out of the concert to go try my luck at blackjack. I win $60 and then go over and watch a Rat Pack cover band play some old classics in a somewhat quieter section of the casino.  I am the youngest person by far because the bartender is in his 6os, the band is in their 70s, and the people dancing are all in their 80s and 90s. I make friends with a 90-year-old woman named Agnes and she informs me she has 22 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren. Impressive.

After losing a bit at the slots and then deciding to call it a night, I head to the front of the hotel, wondering how I am going to get home. Suddenly, I spy the Hotel Bethlehem shuttle bus pulling away.

“WAAAIIIT!” I yell and catch the bus as it’s leaving.

“Hey! It’s you!” The same bus driver I had from earlier says. “Where’s the rest of your family?”

Turns out he was there to pick the family I was with earlier up from the casino but can’t find them. He wants to take just me back to the hotel because he can’t find them and this is the last shuttle run of the night, but I can’t have him leave them. They won’t be able to get back!  So, I make him circle the lot a few times and lo and behold, I spot them and they all came running to the bus!  He opens up the door and I jump out and say to them, “I found you guys! I found you guys! I was worried sick about you! Where have you been?!”

“Dave!” the family yells out and we all high-five and laugh. Then back to the hotel we go in fine spirits. Various members of the  family sings Squeeze and B-52 songs on the ride home.

Now, here is where it gets good….

As we enter in the hotel and I’m talking to the dad about music and other things, we see and hear a lanky piano player in the lobby. It is an awesome art deco lobby, decorated in marble and fine, leather furniture. The piano is large and black and the guy playing it sounds good. Really good.

The dad grabs me arm and says, “Oh my god. Do you know who that is?”

I get a clear look at the bespectacled pianist and can’t place his face.

“That’s the piano player from Squeeze! And on the couch is the lead singer!” he says excitedly.

I look on the couch nearby and see a short, rather frumpy-looking older man sitting near the piano, smiling and watching his friend play.

The kids all come over and are just absolutely super-excited.  We go over and introduce ourselves and they are the nicest dudes ever. So polite and down to earth and then proceed to play some songs on the piano. The best part is that the Squeeze guys tell the kids to  belt out the requests they want the piano guy to play. At first I thought they were going to go the wrong way and yell out some terrible modern pop shit, but they actually yelled out, “Squeeze” (duh!) “Queen!” “Elton John!” “Bowie!” and then they had us all sing the songs!

The best part is that the kids could actually sing and knew the words, so that was great. After a few songs, the adults sat on the couch and we watched their kids have an absolute blast playing with the piano player.

I didn’t know these people but it didn’t matter because they were so welcoming and the atmosphere was filled with just pure, infectious joy. Other people came over and started dancing too and after about a half hour of our little private Squeeze concert, the two band members headed off to an after party.

“You’ve got a great family,” I tell the mom. “Your children are always going to remember this night.”

She laughs and says how we are all going to remember this night too and as I get up to leave and say good-bye to her and the rest of them, she looks at me and says earnestly, “Take your kids on vacation. That’s where some of their best memories will be.” 

I will try to remember that.

And now I have a soft spot for Squeeze and Bethlehem, PA.

Hello readers. The Olympics are coming!!!

I am very excited. I enjoy watching the Olympics very much! But why can’t I have my own Olympic powerhouse team to play in London this year?!

Oh wait, I CAN.

Thanks to the power of my imagination and this here blog, I present to you Professor Dave’s 2012 Olympic team!


My star of the hurdle team (well he kinda hurdles them) …  Willie “Shoes Are for Wimps” Twinkle!




The Shot Put Sisters…Olga and Bernice Jasperhooten!




Diving star… Johnny Fffoounttz




Back up divers… Tiffany Oint, Chaz “O-Face” Kingston, and Ken “The Blowfish” Quarles




On the Disabled List due to missing her top lip…Shelly Gandalf.



100 meter track star…Henry Clam! (He’s actually running the wrong way, but I won’t tell him!)


Women’s Hurdle Star and Women’s Goal Keeper…Lolo Jones and Hope Solo (OK so they are  real Olympic athletes for the USA, but my god man, besides having great names and wicked talent, they’re so damn hot. )





Men’s Shot-put leader…Stephen Baldwin


So that’s the roster right now! I can’t wait to see how they do! And true, I do spend a lot of the Olympics doing this…


…you can bet I’ll be watching and cheering on the USA and Professor Dave’s Olympic Squad!

Gold Medals for everyone!

1.) Jobs I wanted as a little kid

Dinosaur expert

Mogwai breeder

Hot Wheels tester


Special FX guy


Ricky Schroeder’s friend in Silver Spoons

Jobs that I want now:

Whatever job offers excellent dental and vision coverage

2.)  Cars I wanted to drive when I was a little kid

Cookie Van (As I called the van that I thought delivered cookies TO Florissant’s delicious, local bakery, “Helfer’s Pastries”.)

Ice Cream Truck

The souped-up  Hatchback that Jackie Chan drove in The Cannonball Run movie.

Any car driven in the Mad Max movies

Camaro IROC-Z

The General Lee

Cars I think about driving now:

Mini-van or possibly an environmentally friendly SUV

3.) Cereal I would eat or want to buy as a little kid

Apple Jacks!

Honey Comb topped with sugar for some reason!

Cookie Crisp!

King Vitamin! (Very small, trace amounts of actual vitamins in the cereal)

KIX but with so much sugar spooned in, the milk would turn gray.

Thought  process that I use now when buying cereal

“This box of cereal has a high bran content. That is important.”

4.) Thoughts when I would ride my skateboard when I was a little kid:

“I can totally ollie off this set of stairs and land it.”

Thoughts when I ride my skateboard now:

“Broken ankle plus E.R. bill divided by time off work equals missed wages..I’ll just skate very near the staircase.”

5.) Things I would say in the summer when I was a little kid:

“I’m going to cut grass all summer and save up to buy a really cool video game!”

Things I say in the summer now:

“It’s way too hot outside.  Also, have I contributed enough this year to my Roth IRA?”


…if you are with me and I experience, eat or smell any of the things below, this is what always goes through my mind.


Pencil shavings. For some reason in first grade it was a big deal to empty the pencil sharpener. The old school metal one that was bolted on the edge of a long table or maybe the teacher’s desk. I associate the smell of pencil shavings with a kid in my first grade class named Freddy S. I think it’s because he and I fought over who would get to empty it more. Here’s a little, quick story about Freddy S:

Freddy had this trick where he could fold his ears inside themselves. And then they would stay neatly tucked in until he held his breath and turned bright red. Then, just before he was about to pass out…POP!!!  Both his ears would bust out at the same time. It was the coolest trick. Later, we would find out that Freddy peed his pants about 80% of the time he performed this trick. But still, overall, a solid stunt.


Baseball glove. Whenever I smell a baseball glove I am always reminded of playing little league for St. Ferdinand. The smell of a baseball mitt is burned deep in the olfactory tract of my brain, because when I was stuck out in left field and bored out of my skull (you know NONE of the kids ever hit it that far), I would stick the baseball mitt over my face. This would cause Coach LaMartina to yell at me, “DAVID GET THE GLOVE OFF OF YOUR FACE! JESUS!” I liked the old, leathery way it smelled and that I could peer through the webbing at the other kids. This would have been about in the 3rd grade. It’s a shame I peaked at baseball so early. (Second grade!) I was probably better than Tommy Herr in 1st and 2nd grade, but once 3rd grade came along…I really don’t know what happened. I sucked I guess. Thus, I was moved out to left field and developed my wearing-my- mitt on-my-face-addiction. God, I really miss hitting home runs. And I’ve never hit a grand slam either, but I sure have eaten them.


Walking into a K-Mart, Target or the now extinct Venture stores.   I immediately associate the smell of these stores (Especially K-mart) with my mother because I always accompanied her to go shopping. I would try to be on my best behavior and ask politely for a toy (of the Transformers, Star Wars or GI Joe variety typically) at the end of her errand run. It’s weird. Every time I walk through those doors, for about 5 seconds, I feel like I’m 8 years old again and my mom is right next to me.


Marijuana.  OK, so one of the first times I smoked pot was in the basement of Pat B.’s house with a few friends. But we didn’t just pass a joint around. We did bong hits off of a huge 4 foot bong!  Apparently we had some very powerful weed that night and this fact may or may not have been mentioned to me. I certainly did not know what I was doing, but when I did my first hit I did OK inhaling-wise. I hadn’t felt anything really after the first hit so I asked to do another one. That was followed by about four more. My friends did try to warn me that it was creeper weed and to “slow it down , man”.

This fell flatly on my deaf, stoned ears.

On my fifth hit in about 10 minutes, I dramatically collapsed on the floor and can recall looking up and seeing them start to sing, “NAH NAH NAH HEY HEY HEY… GOODBYE”. I knew I was in real trouble because I couldn’t walk and crawled myself into a recliner. I proceeded to watch on Pat’s television, a T.V. show where my brother had to pick a woman to marry. There were three different women and they were in individual bathroom stalls, wearing big brides dresses. He had to pick the best one based on how he liked the way they flushed the toilet. Later, they told me that the TV was never actually on. I hallucinated everything.

That night I tried to write a letter about how I am sorry that I was the first person to ever overdose on marijuana and the permanent brain damage I have done to myself. They took me to White Castle many hours later and I still couldn’t order. I made up food that wasn’t on the menu or even existed in the fast food industry. French fries came out of my mouth as “French french french.” That’s all I could get out. Pat claimed I tried to order something that went, “Cat or cat. Got any cat?” I think I was probably trying to ask for ketchup.

So that’s what I think about every time I smell weed.


Drinking Sprite. I only drank Sprite when I was sick. Apparently, it has magic medicinal properties, or so my mother would allow me to believe. So, when I drink it now (VERY rarely) the first thing I do is feel my forehead to see if I have a fever. Weird.


Sugar Wafer cookies. My mom’s friend watched me one time when I was about five years old. But she didn’t watch me too well because I ate an entire package of Sugar wafer cookies! I still remember how I ate my way each third of the cookie tray. The first third was the pink, the second was cream or vanilla and the final third was chocolate.  I also consumed a massive amount of her famous sweet tea that day as well.  I can only imagine what my insulin levels were. When my mom picked me up it is said that I announced to her, ” Mommy, I ate 24 cookies and I don’t even have diarrhea!”


The song ‘Kate’ by Ben Fold Five.  The chorus of the song goes, ” I wanna be… Kate!…Kate!…Kate!….Kate!” The first time I heard this song I had Amanda sitting to my right and Jamie Johnson to my left. (We may have been a little tipsy.) The chorus comes up and the both of them start singing along loudly with the song, “KATE! KATE! KATE”..etc.. in my ears. I could not tell what the hell they were saying. It was like I was 80 years old. Conversation went something like this:

Amanda and Jamie singing the chorus: I wanna be…(unintelligible in my ears.)

Me: What?! What are the words?

[A&J repeat unintelligible words.]

Me: No seriously, are they saying Dave?  I wanna be… Dave!?  How have I never heard this song?!

[A&J laughter]

Me: C’mon tell me, please.What are they saying? Is it Kate? It kind of sounds like Kate too…

The chorus comes up again and the girls switch the lyrics to say Dave instead of Kate. They sing very loudly too so I have no idea what Mr. Ben Folds is saying…Now I am very confused.

Me: O.K. That time you were definitely saying Dave. So it really is Dave?!

A&J continue to laugh and to switch the lyrics back and forth from Dave to Kate and back again, creating an enraged and confused real Dave and I head off the couch to find the CD cover.

So that’s what I always think about when I hear that damn song.

This is crazy. How strong is this kid now??

Genetic mutation creates super strong toddler
The Associated Press

Somewhere in Germany is a baby Superman, born in Berlin with bulging arm and leg muscles. Not yet 5, he can hold seven-pound weights with arms extended, something many adults cannot do. He has muscles twice the size of other kids his age and half their body fat.
DNA testing showed why: The boy has a genetic mutation that boosts muscle growth.

The discovery, reported in Thursday’s New England Journal of Medicine, represents the first documented human case of such a mutation.

Many scientists believe the find could eventually lead to drugs for treating people with muscular dystrophy and other muscle-destroying conditions. And athletes would almost surely want to get their hands on such a drug and use it like steroids to bulk up.

The boy’s mutant DNA segment was found to block production of a protein called myostatin that limits muscle growth. The news comes seven years after researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore created buff “mighty mice” by “turning off” the gene that directs cells to produce myostatin.

“Now we can say that myostatin acts the same way in humans as in animals,” said the boy’s physician, Dr. Markus Schuelke, a professor in the child neurology department at Charite/University Medical Center Berlin. “We can apply that knowledge to humans, including trial therapies for muscular dystrophy.”

Given the huge potential market for such drugs, researchers at universities and pharmaceutical companies already are trying to find a way to limit the amount and activity of myostatin in the body. Wyeth has just begun human tests of a genetically engineered antibody designed to neutralize myostatin.

Dr. Lou Kunkel, director of the genomics program at Boston Children’s Hospital and professor of pediatrics and genetics at Harvard Medical School, said success is possible within several years.

“Just decreasing this protein by 20, 30, 50% can have a profound effect on muscle bulk,” said Kunkel, who is among the doctors participating in the Wyeth research.

Muscular dystrophy is the world’s most common genetic disease. There is no cure and the most common form, Duchenne’s, usually kills before adulthood. The few treatments being tried to slow its progression have serious side effects.

Muscle wasting also is common in the elderly and patients with diseases such as cancer and AIDS.

“If you could find a way to block myostatin activity, you might slow the wasting process,” said Dr. Se-Jin Lee, the Johns Hopkins professor whose team created the “mighty mice.”

Lee said he believes a myostatin blocker also could suppress fat accumulation and thus thwart the development of diabetes. Lee and Johns Hopkins would receive royalties for any myostatin-blocking drug made by Wyeth.

Dr. Eric Hoffman, director of Children’s National Medical Center’s Research Center for Genetic Medicine, said he believes a muscular dystrophy cure will be found, but he is unsure whether it will be a myostatin-blocking drug, another treatment or a combination, because about a dozen genes have some effect on muscles.

He said a mystotatin-blocking drug could help other groups of people, including astronauts and others who lose muscle mass during long stints in zero gravity or when immobilized by illness or a broken limb.

Researchers would not disclose the German boy’s identity but said he was born to a somewhat muscular mother, a 24-year-old former professional sprinter. Her brother and three other close male relatives all were unusually strong, with one of them a construction worker able to unload heavy curbstones by hand.

In the mother, one copy of the gene is mutated and the other is normal; the boy has two mutated copies. One almost definitely came from his father, but no information about him has been disclosed. The mutation is very rare in people.

The boy is healthy now, but doctors worry he could eventually suffer heart or other health problems.

In the past few years, scientists have seen great potential in myostatin-blocking strategies.

Internet marketers have been hawking “myostatin-blocking” supplements to bodybuilders, though doctors say the products are useless and perhaps dangerous.

Some researchers are trying to turn off the myostatin gene in chickens to produce more meat per bird. And several breeds of cattle have natural variations in the gene that, aided by selective breeding, give them far more muscle and less fat than other steer.

Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Things I’ve been thinking about lately:

Going on a Castle Tour in Scotland or Ireland sure sounds nice

Why didn’t I go away to camp in the summer time when I was younger? Jason with his machete would definitely get me. Or so went my inner 12 year old monolgue.

Watching The Soup makes me feel good about myself because man, there are a lot of REALLY STUPID people out there.

Could my baby beat that baby up?

Billy Joel. How do you write so many good songs and then…I don’t know…just drink booze and eat Pringles all day?

Norse mythology. I bet if I looked into it, I’d find some super cool stuff.

It takes a long ass time to write a book. At least for me. I think Dean Koontz cheats!

Will I ever stop listening to the music that college hipster kids listen to?

My lower stomach. Is that gravity or what?

This tattoo…why?

She does this every morning. Seriously. It is the best part of my day. Even if it is 6:00 in the morning. We are truly lucky and blessed.



After speaking to a friend recently, I was inspired to write this blog about selling, jobs and life.  I hope that you, (whether you realize you are in sales or not), may find this useful.

The older I get, the more I realize we sell ourselves and get sold to all the time , constantly.  When I first got into sales, (12 years ago now. Woah!),  I was apprehensive and a bit depressed. Sales, in my mind, always had a negative image associated with it. Am I going to be a slimy or shady salesmen? I would often think to myself. This isn’t what I went to school for or wanted to do with my life!

But the more life and career experience I had, the more it seemed like so much of what everybody does (whevether they know it or admit to it or not) is to sell everyone else on their ideas, their services or products, their way of thinking, etc…

The teacher is selling the children that they teach on their knowledge, the cashiers at Barnes and Nobles are trying to sell me on their Rewards Card or yummy Lindor’s chocolates, and the people in a company’s marketing department are trying to sell to  their own peers on their ideas and images. That religion wants to sell me on this belief and this church wants to sell me on that belief.  BUY BUY BUY SELL SELL SELL. That is so much of our daily game and interaction with each other, we hardly know it’s happening anymore.

So why not properly arm yourself with some Professor Dave life nowledge?!  If you’re currently interviewing for a job, looking to get into sales or even just curious about sales,  here are a couple of tips from your old pal.

1.    PEOPLE EXPECT TO GET SOLD TO But that doesn’t mean you have to come across as…as…such a salesman. However, you DO have to be direct, a good listener, firm, control the conversation subtilely, compassionate, a clear communicator and ask good open-ended questions. You DO NOT have to  be pushy, overly aggressive, sleazy, lie, or bash the competition.

Your job, if you want to do well in sales, is to come across as more of a consultant. An expert. The best compliment I get is that the doctors do not call me their Sales Representative. They now introduce me to new people or others in their office as, “This is David, our respiratory expert.” This didn’t happen overnight of course, I had to prove myself as more of a consultant than a salesman. Someone  who they didn’t think is just their to make a quick dollar. 

The other thing I hear is, “You know, all these years you sold me on your company without ever trash-talking anybody.”  Know your product inside and out and if applicable, your competition’s, and then see below:


People love to hear themselves talk. Good God, if there is one thing about people I’ve learned, is that most people love to talk about themselves or what they know.  WHICH IS GREAT FOR HELPING YOU SELL.  Try this fun game; Never ask questions that they can give you a yes or no response to.

Example:  Question from me: “Are you happy with your service?”  Answer from them : “Yes” or “No.”

Instead, try, “What about your the current service you have would you like to see improved?”  or “Help me understand what it is that you’re looking for in.…”

This forces the person talk, which can give you valuable information about themselves or the company and helps keep the conversation going. Then follow up with  a question starting with “Why” or “How”. Example, : “How are you looking to improve xyz…”  or “Why is that important to you?”

3. Sales is acting. Act damn it and have fun doing it! 

In some ways, is an actor who sells his/her performance any different than a salesman who sells cars?

They both want the people who they’re speaking to to buy into what they’re saying. They both want them to like them and to believe their performance. The actors have the stage and the car salesman has his lot. Both are exciting, frustrating and emotional adventures. It’s just how you want to look at it, I guess.

If you don’t act like you care about your customer or client, you have lost. If you don’t act like what you’re telling them is important or what they are saying back to you is equally important, you have lost. It certainly helps everything if you have or sell a product/service that you actually care or are passionate about. I tried to sell Blackberrys and the software and servers that came with it to mid-size business owners. I lasted barely a year because I didn’t care about the boring-ass technology I was selling.

4.   If you interview for a job and don’t “close them “at the end of the  interview, you  are hurting your chances of getting hired. 

VER Y IMPORTANT thing I learned. I’ve had several sales jobs and the hiring managers let me know, that because I closed them at the end of the interview so well is why I went on to the next step or got hired.

Example: If the interviewer for the job you’re hoping to get says, “Well Dave, do you have anymore questions?”

You better say something like, “As I’ve  demonstrated, I have the know-how in each category to begin working with little or no training. I look forward to taking the next steps and becoming  part of  the company. When can I expect to hear from you?” ORAs you can see, I believe I have the qualities and experience you are looking for in this position. Are there any issues or concerns that would make you think otherwise?”  

See? This sounds much better and is more powerful of a statement than, “Nope. I don’t have any questions at this time.”


Your mission is to help them realize what they DO want by presenting them with possibilities. That comes with asking good questions, uncovering the customer’s needs and being a very good listener. You’re not going to always sell everybody all the time. Realize that, be O.K. with it and learn how to deal with rejection and objections. It’s part of life, kids.

Well, that’s it for now. Feel free to ask me any other questions. I like to think I have much nowledge to share when it comes to selling, getting a job and the like. Take care, have a great day and happy selling!

I don’t know why, but I can’t stop watching this. I don’t know why baby Spider-man is riding in a toaster or turns into toast but it’s AWESOME!  CLICK ON IT!!!

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