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I have this picture of Gwendolyn:

Super Gwen

And I look at it sometimes and think wouldn’t it be great if she actually became the world’s first superhero? Like in a legit way because she somehow develops super powers?  Which makes me then think of the question…who would I want her to be like?

Well, let’s see there’s Daredevil, who has always been one of my favorites. But he actually leads a pretty shitty, takes-too- many-pain-pills way of life and will be forever linked to that TERRIBLE Ben Affleck movie in my brain. But man, what a great character!

Read some Daredevil. It’s usually great writing.

Seriously. Read Born Again. So good.

There’s the always popular Batman.

Damn Robin. How’d you forget that?!?

Oh yeah…right. Not so much. Parents murdered in front of him. Awful. Plus he puts waaaaay too much pressure on himself. And although he’s really cool, often not very fun. Or funny.

Storm. She’s actually a goddess, so I don’t think that’s gonna happen. But pretty rad superpower and would make for a great career as a meteorologist.

i always preferred Storm during her mohawk and leather phase…

Oh, what about Wonder Woman!? 

uuuuhhh…

NO NO NO. NEVER MIND.

Then I think that to Amanda and I , she’s already super amazing just being Gwen.

And all I really want her to be is to be true to her own self.

And stand up for what she believes in.

And to help others (if it makes her happy)

It all looks simple on paper, but I know that just to do those few things on a regular basis, can take super human effort sometimes.

Good luck Super Baby G.

We already believe in you!

BONUS THOUGHT!

She might have powers like The Flash. LOOK AT HOW HER LIMBS ARE A BLUR BECAUSE THEY MOVE SO FAST…WE’LL SEE….

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I saw this picture..

and I was all like…

That was one pretty lady. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of her movies either. Shame.

 

Nov. 28, 1981

“Uncle Sir Paul! Uncle Sir Paul!” I cried out, running towards him with my arms pinwheeling wildly. Back then, he always made me call him that. He had recently been anointed into knighthood and, like a lot of things around that time in his life, he took it super seriously.

I flew down the gravel driveway that lead to the log cabin and greeted him as he stepped out of the rented Yugo with a giant hug.

” ‘ello you little bugger,” he grinned and then picked me up under my arms and swung me very violently back and forth.

I threw up a bit out of the side of my mouth and then he set me back down slowly. I sat down in the grass and waited for the world to finally  stop spinning and all the colors to come back properly together.

“You’re always doing that to him. Poor David. Hee-hee!” sang out a voice from the passenger side.

“Unky Michael Jackson!” I cried out. I was not told he was going to be joining us for Thanksgiving dinner at all and was so surprised and happy to see him standing there. He was shoving one McDonald’s fry into his mouth after another and was wearing his famous sparkly glove on one hand. It was now very, very greasy and he smelled weird, like onions, but I gave him a hug too, and he ruffled the hair on top of my head.

“Is this a wig?” he asked me.

“Nu-uh. Nope,” I replied and then I snapped my fingers, as I suddenly remembered something.

“I’ve been working on a new dance move to show you, Unky Michael Jackson!”

“O.K. Let me see what you got, kid. Hee-hee!” 

I kicked my sneakers off, stretched for 30 seconds and then proceeded to glide backwards on the grass in a smooth, reverse-walking kind of  motion.

There was silence for a about a minute between us all after I finished my dance.

‘Well, do you like it? Do ya? Say something! Geez! ” I said exasperated.

“I’ve never seen that before, David. Tell me, what do you call that move you just did and have you shown anyone else?” Unky Michael Jackson said slowly.

“No, I haven’t, and I call it The Moonwalk! Doesn’t it look cool?!” I was happy they were paying me attention now and started to do the dance move again, when Unky Michael Jackson quickly grabbed me by the shoulders, stopping me. He covered my ears roughly and then said something to Uncle Sir Paul that sounded a lot like, “Should we kill him now?”

There was a bit of arguing back and forth between them as I stood there watching a yellow, furry caterpillar inch its way across the driveway. I, one day too, will be  like a caterpillar, I thought. Calm, patient and hairy.

“Hurry up and get our bags out of the trunk,” Uncle Sir Paul finally said to me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I carried their five pieces of luggage back up the hill to the cabin and even though my small, delicate hands were bleeding, it felt good to partake in a little physical labor.

By the time I had finished dragging the last piece of luggage up, everyone was seated around the dining table and my mom and dad were lighting fragrant, earthy candles all around the room.

“I brought you a traditional British Thanksgiving gift, little boy,” said Uncle Sir Paul, as rubbed his eyes. He looked so tired and when I asked him if he was, he replied about how he was spending 8-12 hours a day trying on various sweatsuits. “And I don’t even like sweatsuits,” he confesseed to me and he looked sadder then when an old sailor finds a dead mermaid that’s been washed ashore.

And for a moment I truly felt sorry for him. Then I remembered that he had, like a ka-jillion dollars, and that thought went right out the window.

He pulled out an elaborately wrapped present from underneath the table and gave it to me somewhat reluctantly. “Ahh…I…I got this for you.  It’s from Japan, so try not to do anything stupid with it.”

I took the present and unwrapped it very carefully and delicately.

“Careful, you stupid little bloke,” he grunted and took a long drag of his cigarette that he just lit.

I held up the box and was shocked to read the words aloud. “Fuji X-10 single flash, high-speed camera. With a neck strap and travel case!”

It was a surprisingly sweet gift from my Uncle Sir Paul and, as far as Thanksgiving Day presents go, very extravagant.

I ran over and tried to give him a hug, but he held up a hand and would have none of it. “No. One hug a day. That’s your limit. And remember, your Unky Michael Jackson was going to try and kill you today, but I told him to hold off on that,” He took another drag and then blew a cloud of smoke in my still smiling face. “So who’s your favorite Uncle now?”

“YOU ARE!” I wheezed and then coughed myself into a spastic frenzy.

‘That’s right!” he cried out. “Now someone get me a guitar and carve me up some turkey! I want to play Hey Jude so fucking bad right now.”

Dinner went splendidly and afterwards the two of them  lost a bet on who could eat the most cranberry sauce to my mom and had to do ALL of our dirty dishes.

That’s when I snapped this picture with my brand new camera and ever since then, it reminds me of the last Thanksgiving we ever had with them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was little I kissed a few album covers. That’s normal, right? I know Amanda said she kissed Michael Jackson when he was on The Thriller album, so I know of at least one other person who has done this. If anyone else has done this , please feel free to share.

I mean I wasn’t like 13 or anything like that. I was,like, 5 years old.  I kissed women on inanimate objects all the time come to think of it around that age. I kissed the TV when the Barker Beauties on The Price is Right came on. (My mother caught me. Very embarrassing.) I kissed a good looking woman in a Good Housekeeping ad. Once I almost kissed Daphne from Scooby-Doo when she was on a lunch box I had, but even then I knew that was going too far.

Meh, what can I say? I liked kissing chicks.

So here’s the ladies I kissed on album covers (Most albums belonged to my sister too. Sorry Kath!) in case you always wanted to know that. Which I ‘m sure you did. I put them in order too from most kissed to least kissed for your convenience.

Xanadu:  Never saw the movie, but man did I kiss the hell out of the album. It probably made sense as she was a beautiful lady and her head was roughly the same size as mine at the time. I guess I had a little kid crush on Olivia Newton John as she appears twice on this list.  Also I burned the initials ONJ in my thigh with a hot stick as a boy. (KIDDING)   It was on my shoulder.

How can you not want want to kiss this?!

Herb Alpert and The Tijuana Brass.  I don’t really need to explain why I kissed this lady. She’s naked, looks seductive, has huge boobs and covered in whipped cream.  Hell, I might kiss this album NOW. But, I had mixed emotions about kissing her because this album belonged to my parents and was always placed right next to another album called “Quiet Time With Jesus” (Seriously). Guilt would cross my mind when I would pick up Herb Alpert’s album, view the half naked woman, look back down at the album about Jesus and then I’d slowly flip the album to the other side so Jesus couldn’t see me about to sin.

When I was little I wasn’t sure what she was covered with and in my small child brain I assumed it was IHOP butter.

Grease Olivia Newton John again! I remember kissing this album well. Mainly because I had to cover up stupid John Travolta’s face every time I kissed her. I didn’t want him staring at me. That would be weird. If you kiss this album cover enough times, there’s a secret bonus track that the record player will play. It’s called, “Boy, You Should Really Stop Kissing Me Now.”

Grease IS the word.

Blondie  I gotta admit, I kissed Blondie on this album cover that belonged to my brother (I think), but I didn’t feel good about it.  She was just O.K. looking, her videos weren’t very hot on MTV and I think I mainly kissed her because I was bored. Also it was hard covering up the other dudes on the cover and she has that look on her face that seems to say, “OK little kid. Go ahead kiss me, but I’m not real excited about it.” So I don’t recall kissing her that much.

“Make sure we get mostly Blondie in this shot and that she’s covering 3/4 of the band members.” Bitch.

Cinderella. I remember kis—-AHAHAHA ! Kidding! But man, sometimes those 80s hair metal band guys could confuse you!

Stay tuned to this blog for an update on the album covers that I kissed recently. (I just found my old record player (yeah!) and have some moonshine left, so who knows what’ll happen….

 

1. Octopuses. Please watch this one minute video of why octopuses are amazing. Also I want this guy’s job. I like that he comes in and shows them that cool octopus video and then just leaves.  Like a bad ass.

http://youtu.be/PmDTtkZlMwM

 

 

 

2. Scooters.   I am going to get one because I rode one in Wisconsin and it was a lot of fun and I like the simplicity of it unlike a motorcycle that has too much gear shifting and I would probably wreck a motorcycle because I would get way too into it and start thinking I was Evel Knieval and try to jump over a bunch of people lying down in a row and that would end horribly wrong for everyone. (Class! Please diagram the previous sentence.)

 

 

3. Gwen. This baby is making me smile a lot these days. After 4 months things become much more fun, (she is now 6 months) and instead of being a C & C Poop factory, she actually has started to develop a real personality that along with some amusing and wonderful  things. Some of these things include, but are not limited to; sitting up, making raspberry sounds, reaching out for people, perfecting a Cockney accent, ripping a telephone book in half on TV, smiling more, befriending 11 hoboes and receiving her hang-gliders license.

 

4.  Eating better. I have good days and bad days. But the good days nowadays far outweigh the bad ones.  I have cut down on my overall cookie consumption by 64%!  One thing that has inspired me is that Amanda, a few family members and several great friends have all lost a bunch of weight and are eating better and working out.  So I’ve been trying to get more in shape as well. Here’s a recent pic of me snoozing in a Jiffy Lube waiting room! I look pretty good I think!

 

 

ALMOND MILK!

I did not know that almonds had nipples, let alone that you could milk them, but GEEZ-O MAN is this stuff delicious. Where has it been all my life?!?! Seriously it is way more delicious and healhy than cow’s milk.  I am so mad that I just now had this shit.  When did it come out? YEars ago? If it did I will CRUSH EVERYTHING in anger.

oh, let’s go over the facts shall we:

1. It tastes so good

2. It has more calcium and less calories and fat than cow milk

3. It comes in different flavors

4. It tastes  good

But don’t just stand here fapping away while you read this blog, wishin’ yoyu had some…GO to Whole Market and get some tonight. Or today if you live in Tokyo, Japan.

Almond Milk you have really rocked my world and if I had a guitar and a mike and a way to record the music I would write you the sexiest, most heated song ever about almond milk.  Do you know I eat cereal everyday? This is a game changer people and hope you are ready to see me eat serious amounts of cereals very very soon.

ALMOND MILK. BUY SOME NOW. IT LOOKS LIKE THIS MOTHER FRACKER>

it took me 10 minutes to find this perfect pictur

RADAR DETECTORS

When I was in high school radar detectors were all the rage and very hot items. If you got into a car and the person had a radar detector, you knew you had a 87% chance that you were riding with a real bonafide bad ass. Most kids couldn’t afford them (I think a popular brand was Cobra?) and were usually bought second hand or stolen.

I  remember when I was a Freshman that I somehow wound up  in a carpool (well I couldn’t drive yet, so ‘picked up by them ‘ is a better term) with four guys who were all Juniors. They were super crazy and all had radar detectors. It’s a miracle I’m alive because they drove like total cracked out stuntmen.  I was almost always picked up last and  I had to squeeze inside a Renault (!) a Dodge Daytona or a Plymouth Sundance. Once inside it was a testosterone and rage-filled drive to school and it was always a random guess of what cassette tape would be playing at ear splitting decibals. It was either some kind of Metallica, Ghetto Boys, Van Halen or Too $hort album. (I put the dollar sign there <— so you know I am legit.)

During the school week, they would drink a 6 or 12 pack of beer on the way to school about three days out of the five. (Which, keep in mind, was about maaaaybe a 15 minute ride). Totally stupid, right? I never drank in high school and didn’t ever partake in this ritual.  I also naively thought that this was just the normal thing that older kids did before they attended class. Everybody got a beer buzz before homeroom! Sure why not?! We never got pulled over or busted (thanks to the radar detector!), but man I can’t believe what knuckleheads we all were looking back now.

Why did the radar detectors go away? Nobody knows.  But I think that it’s because most people are too busy texting and surfing the web instead of speeding while driving nowadays.  Which is waaaaay safer.

 

 

and thanks to the radar detector, I ain’t gettin a speeding ticket!

WATERBEDS

What was once everyone’s dream bed in the 70’s, 80’s and the first two years of the 90’s, has now floated (HA!) away into near obscurity.  Honesty, I blame the rise of grunge music. Once people started taking music serious again (thanks a lot Soul Asylum and Gin Blossoms!), people started thinking that sleeping on a liquid-filled mattress seemed just way  too silly.  You couldn’t be all serious and grungy if you were listening to Rage Against the Machine or Nirvana on a wavy ass waterbed.

I, myself, had a waterbed. It definitely wasn’t of the waveless variety. You felt everything. You would turn to the side and rock back and forth for about 5 minutes. There was no heater or thermometer, so in the winter it was like sleeping on a block of ice and in the summer it was like sleeping on a hot tarp.  I filled it up using the garden hose and never added any chemicals to it. Things were growing inside the mattress and I could observe them because it was totally see-through. My spine looks like a question mark because I had zero back support.

Sometimes, when the water was too low, I would simply lay on the wooden bottom, entrenched by my waterbed. “It’s like being hugged by an old octopus”, I’d tell myself. I enjoyed the sloshing sound that the water made inside the mattress. To this day, when I walk along a beach and I hear the ocean gently lap against the shore, I am reminded of those days and think, “That sounds like the slapping of my young manhood.”  Or something like that.

Today there are billions of people who don’t even know what a waterbed is. Ask anyone who is under the age of 18 today what a water bed is and you will probably get answers like, “Waterbed? For realz? What is that?”  Are they really all gone? Maybe a few have survived. No one knows the exact numbers, but it is sad to see them go from the American mainstream.  And what about all those waterbed stores???!? All those people who were once waterbed salesmen have now either lost their jobs or are dead.

But I’ll never forget you waterbed.

RIP 1968-1992

I wanna hurry home to you

Put on a slow, dumb show for you

and crack you up

~The National

 

Last week I watched Pan’s Labyrinth again. That was awesome. Also, last week I heard Lisa Loeb’s ‘Stay’ song about 5 times on the radio. That wasn’t so awesome.

It got me thinking about doing some kind of mash up between the two for some reason.  I mean have you ever wanted to take a terrible (albeit catchy), sappy love song and add it to a scary and awesome horror/fantasy movie clip and hope that they fit together well? Well. me too and thanks to iMovie I did!  Next up after this….The “What’s New Pussycat?” song set to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre maybe…