Lately,  I’ve been feeling like I need to be tested.  No, not for Tuberculosis or smallpox or anything like that.

But i feel like there are times when a man wants to know what is he made of.  He wants to be thrown into dangerous and perilous situations to see if he can come out of it and be a better person. To see if he can persevere through difficult times.  What true obstacles have  I ever had to face? Compared to countless others I have had it easy.  I’ve never fought in a war. I’ve never went to bed hungry. I count my blessing everyday because I am healthy. I’ve never been thrown from a donkey into a cactus. I’ve never climbed a mountain using only my feet.

The Maasai warriors of Africa hunt lions as a rite of passage and to test their bravery. The other day, a feral cat ran out from under our Hibiscus plant in the backyard and scared the crap out of me. I screamed like a very old woman.  BRAVERY FAIL.

Hey Dave! Look! It's your worst nightmare!


Sure, I did the Firefighting and Paramedic thing for awhile and that was very challenging at times. But at the end of the shift I’d go home and leave the poverty-stricken, drug-infested, violent ghetto and go home to my nice, safe apartment. There, I’d play Playstation with roommates or maybe flip playing cards at random objects in the room. Maybe watch some David Letterman. The patients I treated that night would leave the Emergency Room and go back to the poverty-stricken, drug-infested, violent ghetto that they called home. To me it seemed like my life was easy street  and I wouldn’t last one day in their shoes, facing many of the hardships and difficulties they dealt with on a day-to-day basis. I was soft and they were like steel.

I like to think that I could magically have a month where I would do a variety of things or be put in certain situations and see how I’d fare. That list of things and situations include:

1.  Fight in a passionate Revolutionary war. Preferably somewhere in South America and I must come under heavy gun and artillery fire. And at least once I’d have to stand on top of some rubble and yell, “Viva la ______!”   {Editors Note: At first I wrote chickens, then chichitas (small breasts) finally I just left it blank because the possibilities are endless)

2.  Joust someone. And not Renaissance Fair type jousting but honest to goodness old-fashioned REAL jousting. The kind like my great great  great  great great  great  great  great great grandfather, Sir Yorick the Jaundiced would’ve done, had he’d been allowed near the horses. (Bad allergies. And also convicted of pony rape.)

3. Go hunting with this guy. He’s from outer Mongolia. I guarantee you that this is what he wears everyday and has a giant sword hanging off the other side of him. THAT IS ON FIRE.

Why yes, I do think I look like a cover from a Molly Hatchet album.


Oh man, i got tired. I’m so sorry. I’m sure that there’s plenty of other stuff I’d do, but right now I’m totally going to test myself by seeing how fast I can fall asleep! Good night!