I went to Las Vegas this week for work and I fell in love with that seductive city.  Then I wrote a book called  “64.5 hours in Las Vegas. ”
about my experiences in it, but it won’t be released until August 12, 2013.  Below is an excerpt from it. (Yes, THIS part is true.)

It was only then after watching those tiny, Mexican Elvis’s (Elvi?) karate kick the air around me, that I realized I was standing nearly in front of Ceasars Palace.

“Well, I must at least gamble here for a little while!” I say to myself.  So I rub my hands together take a deep breath and saunter in feeling just like a high-roller. I take a crisp, one dollar bill from my sport coat and gently slid it into one of the nearest “Wheel of Fortune” $1 slot machines. With a pull of the handle, I watch the reels spin around and around and suddenly 3 little black bars line up neatly.

DING! DING! DING!

“Holy crap!” I think. “I’m gambling at Ceasars Palace for the very first time and just hit it big!”  I look at the payout window and see I have won FIVE DOLLARS.  I smile in victory and cash out immediately.  I take my ticket, walk over and hand it in to the nice casino cashier and walk out, counting all my $5 bill.  A few minutes later, I stand outside in front of the hotel by the famous Ceasars fountain and think about how Evel Kneival unsuccessfully jumped over all this and what a bad-ass he was.  It’s a lovely moment I am having when I hear an elderly couple behind me say, “Let’s ask him. I bet he knows where it is.”  I turn and see a cute old husband and wife in complete tourist gear.

The sun-burned man asks me, “Excuse me, can you tell us how to get to the MGM Grand?”

I point down the strip in the direction that I believe is correct and say,” Yes, I think it is right down this way. Right on the strip.”  I feel good for helping them out, but the feeling lasts only for a little bit as the wife looks right at me and angrily yells, “AHHH BULLSHIT!”

I stand there stunned and dumbfounded for just a second as a small Hispanic man comes up and puts some cards in my hand. It was like he was just waiting for the opportunity and didn’t miss a beat.  I take it from him without looking at it and I watch the strange old couple walk away. I open my hand and for a brief, fleeting moment, I thought he had given me some Pokemon cards.  No. These are not Pokemon cards at all.  These are cards with very naked women on them.  They have names like Brandi Lee, Cherry and Kun Li. The name on the bottom of the card reads HOTASSESCORTS. I stand there studying the card intently trying to understand what that word is, which of course makes me seem really pervy to those around me.

HOTASSESCORTS.

Is it an Indian or Latin name meaning ‘prostitute’? Is it the name of a strip club? I even thought it was the name of a brand of candy or syrup or some sort of food item.  Then I finally break the word apart and realize it says HOT ASS ESCORTS. Ahh.., did that make me smile.

I miss the glow of your electric gaudiness

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