ADVICE ON VISITING WILDLIFE IN MAINE:

If you ever want to survive the long and very cold winters of Maine, NEVER EVER pick a fight with the larger, more muscular variety of Puffins.  Commonly referred to as Buffins because of their large and chiseled build, these particular waterfowl have been known to take out entire fishing and crab villages along the coastal regions of northeastern Maine in a fit of anger.

NOTE: Do not make eye contact. If a Buffin makes eye contact with you and starts to follow you along the beach while squawking insults and kicking sand, the only known way to thwart the attack  is by using a World War 2 era flamethrower.

Responsible for over 47,000 deaths monthly

ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE ANY PERSON SPONTANEOUSL- ****THIS JUST IN!!! ***** A WELL, UNKNOWN FACT:

Sorry to interrupt my train of thought with breaking news from the back of my brain! But did you know that Billy Crystal is actually Billy Ocean?!?  Its true.  I have done the investigating and the facts add up.  Ask yourselves this: have you ever seen Billy Crystal and Billy Ocean together?  No.  You have not.  When is the last time anyone has heard from either of them?  EXACTLY. Around the same time, right?  RIGHT.

Billy Crystal practiced the terrible act of black face in a most disgusting and elaborate way.  It must be made known!  Billy Crystal would be just the kind of comedian to take a bit like this too  far and has enough Hollywood pull to keep the lid on tight.  I’m sure the whole “Billy Ocean” persona just started out harmless enough as an act he did one night for one of Meg Ryan’s elaborate BBQ’s.  I assume Rob Reiner and Randy Newman were there and found the bit somehow hilarious after drinking over one dozen Pina Coladas each.  Later that night, they all wrote “Carribean Queen” and “There’ll be Sad Songs-To Make You Cry”, for Billy Crystal to perform as Billy Ocean.  And the rest is Pop history. But shame on you, Billy Crystal.

Suddenly I have no desire to get out of your dreams and into your car. NO THANKS, JERK.

ADVICE ON HOW NOT TO BE AFRAID OF ANYONE AND PROTECT YOURSELF.

Recently, I’ve been daydreaming again about being a costumed crime-fighter or some kick-ass vigilante. (Remember when I placed that crazy ad on Craigslist a few years ago looking for sidekicks and the responses I got?!?  Man what a hoot!)  Noooo, I didn’t just watch the movie Kick-Ass or anything like that.  It’s just that I know that people get picked on or beat up or mugged or raped or worse and I wish I could stop some of that badness from happening.  I worry about Amanda and my friends and family. But let’s face it, I can’t hang out on roof tops or patrol the alleyways…or can I?  (THESE people actually do though.  PRETTY AWESOME!)

http://www.oddee.com/item_87762.aspx)

But I know myself.  I know that I won’t actually do what those real life superheroes in the above link do.

HOWEVER, I can tell you that if you want to come across unafraid and not make your self a victim, follow my simple rules of survival.  The rules below apply to both men and women.  Scenarios can be adapted if you find yourself in a dangerous situation while walking alone at night , riding a dimly light subway car, being approached by ruffians in a Denny’s, heckled  at a bar by a bushy eyebrow drunkard or finally, trapped at a roller skating rink filed with spoiled, obese children.

1.  Make eye contact briefly.  (Unless of course, it is a Buffin.)  Give a very brief intense look that says with your eyes, “You don’t want none of this, sucka.”

2. Hold your head up high.  Don’t slouch.  You are probably slouching while you are reading this, aren’t you?  WEAK. Stand up straight!

3. Get off your iphone. Not only do you look distracted and vulnerable, but you’re probably low on minutes again.

4.  Gently roll your head around slowly on your shoulders.  This let’s you see any attacks/dangers coming from the sides or let’s you visualize other possible means of escape. Also, it strectches your neck, let’s you show off any new hickeys and it just feels great.

5.  Gently hum the Chariots of Fire theme.

6. Tell yourself over and over in your head that you are an “ultimate, unstoppable warrior bad-ass with the reflexes of a jaguar.”  DO NOT MIX UP THE WORDS.  It must be said in that particular order.

7. Don’t forget to breathe, dummy.

8. If you’re sure an attack is going to happen and you are about to be grabbed, punched or groped, ALWAYS kick/punch/chop/marinate the eyes, throat or groin first.  These are the most vulnerable areas on any attacker or hooligan.

9. Once the attacker, child or Buffin is bent over in pain and distracted, call for help and run like the Charles Dickens.

10. Once in a safe zone, call me up ‘cuz I just saved your life.

HAPPY WEDNESDAY?  Isn’t that just the worst spelled and sounding day of the week???

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