i think a lot of people are too hard on technology and the future in general.  What I mean by this is that everyday all day long I hear people say, “Where are the flying cars?”, “My internet connection is slow.”, or evem “Why aren’t we living on Mars yet?” Let’s take it easy here peoples. First I wanna talk about cars and your impatience with wanting them to fly.

do you know that just over 100 years ago our main way of getting around, whether it was across town or across the whole entire country, was by a horse?!? Think about that for one fat second. A stupid horse.  In 100 years we have went from riding on one of God’s most violent and evil creatures (I personally hate/fear/stab horses) to riding around in a car.


We went from this:


Harbinger of death and terror

to this:




That’s pretty amazing.


It’s not like we went horse, unicorn, half horse-car hybrid, car.  Nope.  We went from an animal to a machine in the blink of an eye.  The same goes for boats and ships too.  We went from riding dolphins and whales across the vast, open oceans  to riding in speedboats in no time at all !


FACT: Keanu Reeves once rode a dolphin named Marcus from England to Vietnam in under 8 hours?


So my point is this: Let’s be grateful we have our cars and leave it at that..


OK second thing. Let’s all stop bitching about the speed of our connection to the Internet. (Wait.  I do this all the time.  When I am sober I will reflect on what i’m writing here. I Promise.

Wee should be grateful that we don’t have to ever look up things in the dictionary, or  go to the library, or grab a heavy, old coffee stained Yellow Pages, or call the operator ever again.

TRUE FACT:  Did you know that If you type and search for any kind of information you need  into your amazing computer or smartphone, that it will give you the correct answer 100% of the time?  It’s true. Computers are incapable of lying because they do not possess a medulla oblongata, which is the necessary gland needed for producing a lie.  So please don’t complain that your computer is slow.  It’s merely thinking of the 100% coreect answer.

Computers are soooo fast.  One time I spilt a bowl of Froot Loops on one while watching my friend matt Hoffman play the very first Warcraft game way back in 1998. He was so mad at me. I was standing over him and somehow I dropped the whole bowl all over his monitor, keyboard and whatever you call that little tower thingee that houses the computer’s guts. The computer was O.K. but he was sure mad at me.  I know that true story doesn’t tell you or show you how fast computers are, but I thought it made a pretty good story. I probably should have typed Computers are soooo durable instead. .

Another annoying people say is “It’s 2011. Aren’t we supposed to be living in outer space or Mars by now?”

Here’s the deal O.K?.  Living and functioning in outer space is hard work.  I know.  i’ve been there.  TWICE.   Once when I was in charge of space camp when I was a teenager of 15 and another time 18 years later when I went on a search and rescue mission for Emmanuel Lewis after the helium balloons giving to him by Pappa George in the opening credits of the hit T.V. show “Webster’ caused him to leave Earth’s atmosphere.

I found him and he's returned to Earth as an unstoppable sex machine.

O.K. I made that last part about Emmanel Lewis up.  BUT I can guarantee this; It would be super boring living in outer space or on Mars.  Have you seen pictures of Mars?!?  NO?!? Well, feast your eyes below on the beauty that awaits you. The entire planet looks like this.


BORING. Nothing ever happens on Mars.


No water, trees, Outback steakhouses, animals, M.C. Hammer or pinball. Not even sexy alien girls! Same goes for the stupid-head Moon.



So my point is this; Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Be grateful for these incredible times and technological marvels we have that can connect one another instantly.  I know Amanda will scratch her head at this last sentence as i am frequently smash electronic things with my bare hands often. HARARWHXGH!  And for those of you who are real tech savvy, here’s afunny joke I just made up:


Knock knock?

Who’s there?


01101101101 who?


oh man.  LOL righ?


I sleep now.