While watching Big Trouble in Little China with Amanda and some amigos this week, I thought of something.

I thought that it’s a shame that all my shit-kickin’, gun shootin’, Commie stompin’, cigar chompin’, freedom lovin’ action heroes of the 80’s have all qualified for senior citizen coffees at McDonald’s.

Who is taking there place to let little boys and girls know that if a German terrorist takes over a building you can wipe them out single-handedly  (and in bare feet) with just a pistol and some witty wisecracks?

Who’s going to tell our children that you can box your way to the top and topple Communism at the same time?

For Pete’s sake, who’s going to step up and take the place of some of Hollywood’s biggest action stars ever?????

This kid. That's who.

Ok, no.  Not really.

But who’s out there doing big bad-ass action movies?  Lemme see…there’s Will Smith (still kinda nerdy but he’s OK), Hugh Jackman (he’s good as Wolverine I guess), Russell Crowe (Often too doughy), Daniel Craig (meh), The Rock (now doing movies like The Tooth Fairy), Vin Diesel (now doing movies like The Pacifier), Matt Damon (Surprisingly great in The Bourne series), Robert Downey Jr. (who doesn’t like him now?!?), Janeane Garofalo (last time I checked he did that movie “The Truth About Cats and Dogs with Uma Thurman and nothing since) and I guess Johnny Depp for his work in Pirates and Public Enemies. (But he’s so pretty and womanly that I would put him in the women action star genre along with Leonardo.)

Not one of those stars above are out there doing shit like this:

Except for Sylvester Stallone. Still.

KA-BLOOEY!  THAT is what freedom and security look like.  USA!  USA!  USA!

Look at him closely!  He’s totally covered in mud in that one picture!  And he’s still able to strangle that guy.  Absolutely ‘mazing.

Kids who are reading this, listen to me.

Go out and rent Rambo, Delta Force, Conan or any 80s action flick really.

Then, when you are about to get into a fight with that big bully on the playground whose been picking on you or your friends, don’t try and conjure up a Pokemon to fight your fight.

Don’t try and think of what kind of super space-kick the Purple Power Ranger do.

Those things don’t fucking exist.  You will get your ass pummeled.

Instead, reach down deep into the bowels of your soul and embrace your inner John McClane.  Then, at the top of the slide, jump off of it and shout, “Yipee-Ki-Yay Motherfuckers!” and drop kick that bully into next week.  You will not get detention.  Only attention.

FUN TIME SECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Below I have included the tough guy names of tough guy characters each tough guy actor has played.  Please feel free to tell me who has had the best character names and which one I should name my future son (or daughter) after:

First 100 readers to respond  get a free Phil Collins pillowcase.

Sylvester Stallone

Jerry Savage in    No Place to Hide

Machine Gun Joe Viterbo in   Death Race 2000

Rocky Balboa in    Rocky

John J. Rambo in   First Blood

‘Cobra’ Cobretti in    Cobra

Lincoln Hawk in    Over the Top

Lt. Raymond Tango  in    Tango and Cash

Judge Dredd in    Judge Dredd

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Conan in   Conan the Barbarian

Kalidor in   Red Sonja

Dutch in   Predator

Jack Slater in     Last Action Hero

Julius Benedict in   Twins

Kurt Russell

Snake Plissken in  Escape from New York

Jack Burton in   Big Trouble in Little China

Stephen ‘Bull’ McCaffrey in     Backdraft

Wyatt Earp in   Tombstone

Captain Ron in   Captain Ron

Stuntman Mike in    Death Proof

Bruce Willis

John McClane in  Die Hard

Mikey in   Look Who’s Talking

Hudson Hawk in  Hudson Hawk

Butch Coolidge in    Pulp Fiction

Korben Dallas in    The Fifth Element

Chuck Norris

J.J. McQuade in   Lone Wolf McQuade

I had to stop.  Is there any tougher name than Chuck Norris?  probably not.

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