I’ve been inspired by a recent funny skit some friends of ours did so I’ve decided to write another play/musical.  So that’s what I’ve been doing non-stop or for maybe 2 hours.  I’m not completely done yet, but I thought I’d share a sneak preview of it with you.  If you’d like to buy the rights to my musical it’s on sale for $19.95.

Heavy Metal Band Camp: The Musical


Sebastian Bach

Vince Neil

Tommy Lee

Bret Michaels

Kip Winger

And introducing:

Moses Goldberg

Our story so far:  It is the summer of 1977 and the setting is a Heavy Metal Band Camp located in the deep woods in upstate New York.  Among those attending Band Camp are many yet-to-be-famous Heavy Metal musicians.  They are all in their very early teenage years and new friendships are being formed.

It is a classic summer camp with boys cabins located on one side of Lake Haverton and girls cabins on the other.

Lights slowly come up to reveal a pale, teenage boy writing in a notebook.  He is sitting, looking pensive, in the middle of his camp bed.  His long, black curly hair covers most of his face. He wears a black T-shirt and a pair of those terrible, red 70s shorts with the white trim around the edges.  A beat up Fender Telecaster guitar leans against his bed.  His name is Moses Goldberg.

Moses (frustrated):  No. No. No.  That’s not good either.  (Scribbles through what he just wrote in his notebook)

A young Bret Michaels enters through the cabin door.

Bret: What’s going on Moses?

Moses: Man, I’ve been trying to come up with my “Rock Star” name all week and every one of these is terrible. I’ll never be a Heavy Metal God with a name like Moses Goldberg.

Bret; Yeah dude, you do kind of need to come up with a look for yourself.  Something edgier maybe.  Look at me.  I’ve got this bandana thing going on.  The girls love it.  But anyway, the names you’ve written down can’t all be bad.  Do you wanna  tell me any of the names that you’ve come up with?

Moses: Yeah, OK.  But you gotta promise you won’t laugh at me and be totally honest with me.

Bret: Of course Moe.  I promise you that I won’t laugh.

Moses: Ok then here’s what I got.  Keep in mind I just want to go by one name, ya know?

Bret: Like Cher?

Moses: Yes.  Like Cher.  But way tougher.

Bret: Ok, go ahead.

Moses: Alright. So what do you think about the name “Lacerate?”

Bret (immediately): No.

Moses:  “Cut.”

Bret: Nope.

Moses: “Rip.”

Bret: OH GOD NO.

Moses: “Gash.”

Bret: Terrible.

Moses: “Slash.”

Bret: No.

Moses: “Stabby.”

Bret: No, these are all reall-wait a sec.  What was the last one you said?

Moses; Stabby?

Bret:  No before that.

Moses: Slash?

Bret (excitedly):  Yes.  Slash.  I like Slash.  Slash is good!

Moses (smiles);  Really?  Yeah…I kinda liked that one too actually.

Bret: Yeah man! SLASH.  Slash is hardcore!

Moses: I’m gonna so get laid with a name like Slash.

Moses grabs his guitar, pumps his fist in the air and stands up and plays a sweet little heavy metal riff.

Bret sits down on the bed and makes the sign of the devil with his hands and bangs his head back and forth.  They laugh and high five each other.

Bret: Hey man.  You know what would make you look even more badass?

Moses: No. What?

Bret: If you wore a  top hat.

Moses: What?!  No way man!  You’re high.

Bret: Yes. Yes I am.  But trust me.  I think it’ll work on you.  Actually, I know there’s an Abe Lincoln top hat in the costume closet.  I’m gonna go get it.  I’ll be right back!

Bret goes to leave and coming through the door at the same time is a shirtless Tommy Lee and Sebastian Bach.

Tommy Lee (excitedly): Who wants to go across the lake tonight to the girl’s cabins and squeeze some boobies?

Sebastian: I am so in for some of that sweet action!  But that jerk-off Kip Winger better not be there.  He’s got such pretty teeth and that’s all the girls talk about.

Tommy Lee: Yeah.  Plus he’s always talking about that one girl Julie and how she’s only 17.

Sebastian: She’s only 17?  17?  Well…uh…that’s pretty old for us actually.

Tommy Lee: Moses!  Are you still trying to get people to join your band?   What was it called again?  Muskets N’ Tulips?

Moses: No.  Guns N’ Roses dude.

Tommy Lee: Whatever.  That’ll never stick.


Will Moses change his name to Slash and don a top hat?!  Will Tommy Lee get to squeeze some boobies?!?   Find out the answer to these questions and more when Heavy Metal Band Camp:The Musical runs at the Steppenwolf Theatre September 10- December 31, 2010. Tickets available through Ticketmaster and Arby’s.