Yes.  it’s true.  I think it would be awesome to one day fill out a resume and list every single job I’ve had under the “Previous Job Experience” section.  I was gonna list every job I had here, but that would make this blog kinda long so I’m just gonna name the first 10 jobs I’ve had.

So before I’m too old and forget all the jobs and places I’ve been employed at I decided that I better list them (in chronological order no less!) so I can one day look back and remember that I actually did these things.

Finally,  I’ll try to note one significant thing that’s happened to me at each of the jobs I list.

So, off we go beginning with…

1. Pet store employee. (I think the name of the store was called Pets Plus) Age: 11. Although I did not actually get paid in cash, I was paid in lizards and crickets.  Basically the creepy old man and his wife who ran this terrible pet store let me take home geckos and other little reptiles in exchange for cleaning out various animal cages, sweeping the floors, etc…

At the time I thought it was the greatest “job” ever. My mom and sister…not so much.

2. Pee Wee Herman Impersonator Age:11 Again, I did not get paid in any way and I only did it twice but I think it’s OK to list it technically as a job.  Somewhere out there I hope there’s a  video of me doing this.

I was an 11 year old who went to 6 year olds birthday parties dressed as Pee Wee Herman.  I wasn’t fooling anyone.  Especially the kids I was there to entertain.  I specifically remember walking into the backyard of one party and all the kids turning to look at me and several children immediately started yelling, “THAT’S NOT PEE WEE HERMAN! THAT’S NOT PEE WEE HERMAN!”  Totally mortifying.  I wanted to pee my plaid Pee Wee high-water pants.  (Actually, wait.  I think I was paid $12 by Stacy Keeven’s mom to impersonate Pee-Wee for her son’s b-day.  I could be mistaken though.)

3. CADDY Age:12-15 This job allowed me to buy my own Garbage Pail Kids and pay for my own Video Games. Radical!  I made good money caddying in 1,000 degree St. Louis heat for an all Jewish Country Club.  I lived off of sugar packets and peanuts. Every Saturday and Sunday morning we’d work from 7am -2pm.  Sometimes I’d carry two bags at the same time and earn twice the money (32 bucks!  Cha-ching!)

Also, can I tell you that there is NOTHING more dangerous than allowing 12 year old boys the ability to drive golf  carts all over the course at unsafe speeds completely unsupervised in the wee hours of the morning?!?  Cart jousting anyone? We were Jackass before there was Jackass.

4. Bag Boy for National Supermarket Age:15-16 Paper or Plastic? I kind of liked bagging groceries actually.  I REALLY liked cart control in the parking lot because I could go outside and waste time.  Nothing too significant happened here except I remember one bagger boy showed everybody his belly button ring piercing.  Man, that was awful.  Also, I stole boxes of basketball cards which I still have unopened…somewhere. Oh and I had a crush on fellow bag girl Jessica Dear.  She later turned out to be an incredibly dirty hippie.

5 Custodian/Lights/Soundboard Guy for the Florissant Civic Center  Theatre  Ages: 16-18 Oh man, this job.  OK this job was ridiculous.  I cleaned things, fixed things, hung lights, helped move in sets, strike sets, ran the light board, spotlight, soundboard, ushered, blah blah blah.

Significant happening:  My 50 year old mildly obese boss nearly crushed me to death when he fell 30 feet from some scaffolding while hanging lights.  I saw him and the scaffolding falling directly at me and distinctly thinking, “Well. What a stupid way to die.” and somehow he fell right next to me.  I remember feeling the whoosh of air as he fell.  It was the worst.  He lived but wound up being purple and broken for months.

Oh and my first attempt at running the spotlight was horrendous.  When it was my cue to start the spotlight, I turned it on and it was way over on the side of the theatre.  Like in the audience at about the 15th row.  Then I swung it around erratically all over the stage for about 20 seconds until I finally found the performer.  It basically looked like I had a seizure while operating it.  I remember my other boss, Brian, rubbing his face and saying, “Jesus Christ.”over and over while it was happening.

6. Petsmart employee Age:18 Terrible job.  Worked there for about 2 months.  My job was to stock all the dog food bags and supplies in the store and in the back warehouse.

7.  UPS loader/unloader/sorter  Ages:18-20 The most physical job I ever had.  Loading and unloading tractor trailers full of boxes, packages etc… The shift was only 4 hours but I was so dirty and tired by the end of it, that I would blow my nose and black shit would come out.  In the summer it was beyond hot in those trucks and in winter it was terribly cold.  I had walls of TVS crash down on me, smashed everyone of my fingers in the conveyor belts, went to the Emergency room twice for stitches in my head and numerous other stupid job related accidents.

BUT the best weed I ever smoked was after work in the parking lot of UPS.  Not that I was a big pot smoker, but sure I smoked it if someone would ever offer it to me.  Larry, who I would classify as a world professional pot smoker, did indeed offer me some wacky weed one fateful night.

“Careful dude.  It’s one hit shit. All you need is one hit. Do you want some?” he stressed to me as he passed me the pipe.  We sat in his car in the uber-large UPS parking lot.

I replied ABSOLUTELY and then when we were done I said I didn’t really “feel” anything.

“Can I have another hit?” I asked Larry.

“Give it time. Give it time. It creeps up on you”

But of course I didn’t listen to him and I grabbed the pipe and took another big hit.  About two minutes later I realized the terrible mistake I made when we tried to find my car but I COULD NO LONGER REMEMBER WHAT MY CAR LOOKED LIKE.  We circled around the lot for what seemed like forever trying to locate it.

There was alot of, “Is that it? Noooo.  Wait, Is that it?  No.”  Finally, we did find it and now my heart is racing a million miles an hour because I had to drive home.

So I did. (I know I know. SO DUMB.)  But I drove home along the backroad Missouri Bottom Road at the breakneck speed of about 10 miles an hour. I was beyond paranoid.  So to calm myself,  I put in my Jimi Hendrix 8 track (Yeah, my ’78 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme ruled) and then magic happened…

…Suddenly I hallucinated that there was a miniature Jimi on the hood of my car giving me a private concert!!  I drove/stared/rocked-out most of the way home.  He was completely awesome.

I got home and my mother said, “Oh long night, huh? How was work?”  To which I have no idea what I replied to her and went right in the bathroom to take a shower.

I remember standing in the shower for probably an hour trying to pronounce the ingredients in Pert Plus shampoo.  I also recall laughing alot at the names of the ingredients and thinking (or possibly saying aloud) “Man, someone out there actually knows what this shit means! AMAZING!”   I washed my hair several times because it felt incredible like there were a million little fingers massaging my scalp.  Then I passed out for the rest of the night in bed.  My hair smelled wonderful.

8. Looney Tunes clerk Age: 19 Remember the Looney Tunes store they had in the malls?  Yeah, I worked there.  For about 8 months.  I wanted to sell the awesome, original animation cells and drawings that were used in the cartoons.  I wound up selling Porky Pig Toddler socks instead. Retail just sucks no matter what you’re selling.

9. EMT/Paramedic   St. Louis Fire Department and a private ambulance company Ages 20-25

Ahhh.  The ambulance days.  I did a stint as a Volunteer Firefighter from ages 18-20 that led me down this crazy path.  Good memories include blaring “Ride of the Valkyries” Apocalypse Now style through the P.A. system on the way to calls, getting experience with gunshot and stabbing calls, the feeling of that uneasy excitement in the pit of your belly on the way to cardiac arrest calls, working with my insane partner Jason who came from the bootheel of Missouri and wrecked the ambulance and puked on a call on our first day working together and the other list of characters, both patient and co-workers, who made that job extremely entertaining.

10. St. Louis Zoo employee Age :23 For some reason I thought that the idea of working at the Zoo part-time seemed like a really great idea on my days off as a Paramedic. I went in and told them that I would like to apply for the job, “that let’s me drive the Zoo jeep around and help the animals and such.” I explained to them.

The guy who interviewed me liked me and said, “Sure , we can get you set up with that. Can you start soon?”

So I eagerly answered YES!  and went home imagining me starting my new job at the Zoo wearing a pith helmet, some cool Safari khakis and perhaps a walkie-talkie attached to my utility belt.  “I can’t wait to drive that Jeep!” I remembered saying.

When I showed up for my first day of Zoo work I was handed a disgusting white polo and told to guard the penguins.

WHAT THE F*#%?!?

I spent the next three hours standing in front of the stupid penguin exhibit ordering people not to throw things at them.  Also, I told people where the bathrooms were located. The worst.

After my third hour, I was allowed lunch in which I promptly took off to my car, peeled out in the parking lot and never went back to my post as Penguin Guard again.

I still have the polo though.

So that’s my first 10 jobs.  I hoped you enjoyed reading all that if you actually really read all that.  If you did you are my best friend.

Maybe I’ll list the next jobs that I started when I moved to Chicago soon!

Advertisements