A few days ago I was eating lunch at the food court in a mall.  After I had finished my delightful meal of Chicken Teriyaki, I did my part as a good mall patron and got up to go put my food tray away.

On my way to the trash can I was not at alll prepared for what I was about to see.

Sitting cross-legged on a chair was a woman in her late twenties eating raw broccoli with the power and intensity that honestly…scared me.

That’s right.  I’m not afraid to say it now.  She completely scared me the way she was eating broccoli.

I know this sounds silly and you really had to be there.  (Oh, how I wish you were there.) But let me try and explain why it was so frightening.

OK, ONE she was eating it by the stalk full.  Big, giant, green stalks of raw broccoli.  She was throwing it down so fast and with such intensity that I thought I was seeing some kind of very odd vegetable special effect happening before my very eyes. She almost seemed angry while she ate it.

TWO, she had broccoli all over her and all over the floor around her.  It looked like she had been there awhile eating the shit out of broccoli all day.

THREE, she appeared sane in every other way.  I heard her talking to her friend at the table, (Some guy who looked like Lawrence Fishbourne but with a Jeri curl) and she sounded pretty normal.

FOUR, she appeared very “Gangsta” about the way she was eating the broccoli.  She had a Flava Flav type hat on and would look at people like she was saying, “Wassup.  Yeah, I’m eatin’ my broccoli. I brought it from my home yo.  They can’t stop me.”

Seriously, you can't stop her from getting her Vitamin A

I actually left the mall and was in the parking lot when I decided that I HAD to get a picture of her.  So I went back in and tried to secretly take a picture of her.  You can tell how “good” of a job I did by trying to be sneaky.  She looked right at me as I snapped the picture with my Blackberry!  (Please note at how she balances that broccoli stalk on her pinky.  Just amazing.)

For a second I thought the broccoli eating mama was going to attack me, but I ran out the mall before she could do anything!

And I never looked back.

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