Dear Prince (If that’s your real name),

After showing several dozen of my winged friends the first 15 minutes of Disney’s “Up”, the entire movie “My Life” starring Michael Keaton, and listening to “November Rain” by Guns n Roses, I was unable to produce one single tear from any of the doves I had captured for this experiment.

I tried the Indian-is-crying-because-you’re-littering technique.  I told them about global warming, showed them pictures of deforestation in Brazil, and gave a colorful PowerPoint presentation on air pollution.  Not one weep or sob from one single dove.  Just a lot of cooing and head-bobbing.

Hell, I even made them sit through a six hour The World According to Jim marathon to try and make them at least wince.  Nothing.

So I have to ask you, how did you do it?!? How did you get to hear the sounds of doves crying?  I  certainly hope that animal cruelty wasn’t involved.  If I find out that you tortured even one single dove in order to get them to cry, I’m gonna have PETA called on your skinny, talented ass so fast it’ll make your kinky hair straight.

I guess I’m just going to have to take your word for it.  I dunno. Maybe I’m just too demanding.  Alone in a world that’s so cold. Maybe I’m just like my father.  He’s never satisfied.

Anyway, if you can take the time out of your busy making doves crying schedule to write me back, it would mean the world to me.

All the best,

Dave Farrar

P.S.  Don’t think I’m not trying to figure out how you got Purple Rain to fall either, Prince.  I’m watching you pal.

Hmmm…that’s what it sounds like when pigs laugh? Gives me an idea for another song.