Here’s what I’d like to start doing for blog ideas here.  I’ll take a famous person or event that I know nothing about and write what I think who he/she was or what that event is about.

THEN I’d like to copy and paste the actual, real facts (probably from Wikipedia cuz I’m lazy) after my guess.  I mean, part of the reason I started this blog was to educate people.  I am a Professor after all damn it!  No I’m not.

So let’s start with, well who else but on today?

St. Valentine~

My guess on who he was:

St. Valentine… ummm,  he was a guy from Italy. (That may be the only part I’m gonna get right.)

Real name was probably Valentino.  But all his friends called him Vinnie.  Which he hated.

I bet he was born in 850 A.D. His dad was a member of Senate.  His mom only wrote poems about kittens and loved to doodle. Also he had a little brother named Alfonso. Alfonso later went on to invent the pants.

He came from a wealthy family but chose to lead a life of poverty after learning about Jesus and how Jesus loves poor people.  He gave his best robes and sandals to Goodwill and donated all of his money to a local Culinary school that cooked the best meatballs. This building still stands today and bears his name, St. Valentine’s  Meatball Academy.

He was a good looking man and had to fight off the advances off all the passionate Italian ladies. He struggled with this because he liked them too but he knew he wanted to one day become a Saint or an Astronaut.  And if he was gonna do that he couldn’t be banging every hot Italian woman that gave him the slutty eyes. That would not be cool in God’s or NASA’s eyes.  So to make himself less attractive he became very obese and would only wear a small diaper in public.   Also he carried a bow and arrow with him.   Wait…I may be getting Cupid and St. Valentine mixed up.

I think St. Valentine walked the Italian countryside eating breadsticks and rapping the word of God.

He was known for giving high fives.

He started pissing off the Emperor and the Senate when he famously one day rapped to a large group that came to listen to him preach about Jesus.

“If you think that Jesus is our leader, say ‘Heeeeell yeeeeeeah’ (Hell Yeah).

If you think our Emperor’s wack, say ‘Give up yo power’ (Give up yo power).”

This famous rap made the Emperor very upset. So the Emperor ordered a death warrant for St. Valentine.

He was caught and executed on February 14, XVCCII.  They fed him to the lions at The Coliseum in Rome.  He was so fat that he fed 40 forty lions for 40 days.

The Roman Catholic church made him a Saint in 1812 and Hallmark made people forget all about the origin of this great man.  Instead they made dudes buy their ladies stuff and be all romantic for one day.

The End.

That’s my guess on who St. Valentine was as a person.

Who he REALLY according to  The Catholic Encyclopedia:

The Origin of St. Valentine~

The origin of St. Valentine, and how many St. Valentines there were, remains a mystery. One opinion is that he was a Roman martyred for refusing to give up his Christian faith. Other historians hold that St. Valentine was a temple priest jailed for defiance during the reign of Claudius. Whoever he was, Valentine really existed because archaeologists have unearthed a Roman catacomb and an ancient church dedicated to Saint Valentine. In 496 AD Pope Gelasius marked February 14th as a celebration in honor of his martyrdom.

The first representation of Saint Valentine appeared in a The Nuremberg Chronicle, a great illustrated book printed in 1493. [Additional evidence that Valentine was a real person: archaeologists have unearthed a Roman catacomb and an ancient church dedicated to Saint Valentine.] Alongside a woodcut portrait of him, text states that Valentinus was a Roman priest martyred during the reign of Claudius the Goth [Claudius II]. Since he was caught marrying Christian couples and aiding any Christians who were being persecuted under Emperor Claudius in Rome [when helping them was considered a crime], Valentinus was arrested and imprisoned. Claudius took a liking to this prisoner — until Valentinus made a strategic error: he tried to convert the Emperor — whereupon this priest was condemned to death. He was beaten with clubs and stoned; when that didn’t do it, he was beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate [circa 269].

Saints are not supposed to rest in peace; they’re expected to keep busy: to perform miracles, to intercede. Being in jail or dead is no excuse for non-performance of the supernatural. One legend says, while awaiting his execution, Valentinus restored the sight of his jailer’s blind daughter. Another legend says, on the eve of his death, he penned a farewell note to the jailer’s daughter, signing it, “From your Valentine.”

St. Valentine was a Priest, martyred in 269 at Rome and was buried on the Flaminian Way. He is the Patron Saint of affianced couples, bee keepers, engaged couples, epilepsy, fainting, greetings, happy marriages, love, lovers, plague, travellers, young people. He is represented in pictures with birds and roses.

I was close!  Happy Valentines Day!

Advertisements