A few posts back, I wrote on this blog my first Choose Your own Adventure Story and it was met with incredible critical acclaim.  See reviews below:

“Dave Farrar’s The Sweetest Sound is the most moving and touching Choose Your Own Adventure Story I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading.”    –Oprah

“I could NOT put this book down.”    – Man who has duct tape for hands

“I laughed.  I cried.  It was really quite good.  No mention of Jet Packs though.  Wait, there was? Damn.”  –Popular Mechanics

“Word to MY mother?  No, I don’t think so.  Word to DAVE’S mother for birthing this man who has written the quintessential story of the year.”     -Ebony Magazine

“A++++++”    – Evanston Review

So as you can clearly see the success has been overwhelming.  They say the Sophomore effort is never as good as the original, but let’s give it a go as I make it up along the way.  I really had a lot of fun writing the first choose your own adventure story.  So may I present to you gentle reader:

Wacky Fun Time Scary Place

Page 1

You lean over to look out the dirty window of your tiny Puddle-jumper plane and see the lush, green landscape sprawl out below you. You can’t believe you are about to land on the small, mysterious island of Twatswanna, just off the coast of Papua New Guinea.  Your Anthropology expedition to study the inhabitants of this island is about to begin.

“Quite the view, eh my boy?”  whispers Randall Nipplesworth, your long time teacher and friend. He is dressed as he always is wearing his trademark pith helmet, Guess sweatshirt and Z Cavarrechi’s.  You notice he looks much more gray, bloated and tired since your last meeting.  He also reeks of Scotch and Pop-Tarts.

You take your eyes away from the amazing view, take a deep breath in and look one last time around the plane before you land.  To your left is the aforementioned Randall, directly across the narrow aisle to your right is Mary, another student like yourself , and next to her is Tampopo.

Tampopo is your native guide for the trip.  He is dressed in very stereotypical Pacific Islander garb which means he is wearing no shirt, a loincloth and has a bone through his nose. Just imagine if Walt Disney in 1940 had to draw a Pacific Islander character and that’s Tampopo.   Also, he has a hilarious accent and says catchphrase things all the time like, “Ay Boss.  Me no likey dis.”

As you approach the island and buzz the treeline dangerously close, you lean forward and yell to the pilot, “Hey Stevey!  Where’s the runway on this crazy, wacky island?”

But there’s no time for Stevey to respond as a giant green dinosaur raises it head above the jungle canopy and takes a huge uncannily accurate bite out of the wing of the plane!

“WTF!”  everyone yells in unison.

Not exactly what happened, but still equally scary.

The plane spirals out of control quickly and you brace yourself for the impending doom.  The plane lands with tremendous impact into the side of a mountain. You black-out briefly and when you awake, you find yourself hanging upside down held in by your seat-belt. Thick, black smoke fills the cabin.

Unlatching the belt you fall hard on your side and see that sadly Stevey and Mary have perished in the crash.  Randall mutters weakly that he is hurt badly and can’t unlatch his seat-belt.   Tampopo is also trapped under some wreckage and cries out for help.  You see bright orange flames licking all around you and realize you must get out very soon.  You quickly realize that you can only save either your old teacher and friend, Randall OR the Native guide, Tampopo.

If you wish to save Randall Nipplesworth, please turn to page 2.

If you wish to save Tampopo, please turn to page 3.


Page 2

You decide to put all your efforts into trying to save Randall first. Successfully freeing him from his seat-belt, you carry him out of the wreckage in slow motion and in dramatic fashion for some odd reason.  You lay him under a tree and go back for Tampopo.  As you run back to the plane, you bravely go back in to find Tampopo.  He is still trapped and pissed at you for running in slow-motion.

“You waste too much time now runnin like dat, Boss.” he says angrily.

“I’m gonna save you, Tampopo.” you say as you crawl on your belly towards him.

“No.  You run too slow when you save fat white man. Da plane is gonna blow up now.” Tampopo replies.

“I’m sorry, I just thought that it would look so cool running away from a plane that’s about to blow up in slow moti-BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The End.


Page 3

Wisely, you leave your fat, old friend to die a horribly, painful death and focus on saving Tampopo as you realize he may be the best bet to help you survive on what already appears to be a God-forsaken island.

Helping him out of the wreckage, you both sprint out of the plane just as it blows up behind you.

As you look back at the charred, blowed-up bits of your friends, Tampopo says, “Dis place is cursed, Boss.”

“A Dinosaur.  Are you kidding me?!? A FUCKING DINOSAUR?!?.” you yell out to the sky, while shaking your fist.

“Is dat bad, boss?” Tampopo asks.

“What?  Yes. Yes that’s bad,Tampopo.   It’s bad for three reasons. One, they are supposed to not be alive right now. They died out millions of years ago.   Two, it ate our plane.  And three, it’s a Dinosaur.”

“Oh. Ok boss.” he answers meekly.

Suddenly, you hear angry shouting coming from the jungle.  You realize this may be the indeginous people of Twatswanna called The Chimmychongas.

Not exactly sure if they are friendly to strangers or not, you must make a decision quickly.

If you wish to stand your ground and try to make friends with The Chimmychongas, please turn to Page 4.

If you wish to hide from them because you know, you’re scared and stuff,  turn to Page 5.


Page 4

As you stand side by side with Tampopo in the jungle clearing, a few members of the Chimmychonga tribe emerge from the dense foliage.  They are small, painted in bright colors and armed with bow and arrows. A few carry long spears.

Hello.  Would you to take a hit off my bong penis?

As they approach you cautiously, you instruct Tampopo to translate for you.

“Greetings.  We mean you no harm.  We are here to learn about your island and your culture.”

Tampopo translates and before he even finishes, they are touching you and smelling you.  Excitedly they chatter back and forth between one another.

One tribesmen, who you gather is perhaps a leader due to his elaborate head-dress and Air Jordans, thrusts his spear up and down and yells out excitedly, “Jamba Jamba!” over and over again.

The other tribesmen begin to chant along and dance excitedly.

“What’s up? What are they saying?” you nervously ask Tampopo.

Tampopo smiles widely and says,”They think we are Gods that have fell from the heavens. They want to bring us to their village.”

“Sweetness.”  you reply.

You make the trek through the jungle and a short while later you and Tampopo find yourself at the village of your new friends.

You were right about the Tribal Chief being the one wearing Air Jordans.  He puts his arm around you and offers you a long, beautiful ivory pipe that is filled with aromatic herbs.  He offers the pipe to you and it’s clear he wants you to take a puff.  If you…

…take a pull off the ceremonial peace pipe, then turn to page 6.

…tell the Chief that you always say hugs not drugs, then please turn to page 7.


Page 5

Feeling uneasy about meeting the Natives of the island so soon, you and Tampopo turn and run for an opening to a cave.  You remember you have a small flashlight in your pocket and you use it to light the darkness that surrounds the two of you immediately upon entering the cavern.

“What dat smell boss?” Tampopo asks.  You sniff the air and it does smell odd.  It smells vaguely like hair product, Cool Water cologne and failed careers.

“Welcome my friends.” comes a smooth voice out of the darkness.

“Who’s there? Show yourself.” you demand.

“Oh, don’t worry.  We’ve got all night.  Matter a fact, we’ve got FOREVER.” a different voice hisses.

You hear a giant rumble and feel the ground shakes as a giant boulder rolls across the entrance of the cave, trapping the both of you.

Just as the boulder settles into place, huge spotlights light up your surroundings to reveal a stage a few feet in front of you. On that stage, you realize with utter horror, are various members from several 1990s boy  bands.

Just dudes loving on dudes who love to sing songs about dudes loving on ladies.

There is no escape.  You live out the rest of your 53 years trapped in a cave, forced to listen to what many people say is some of the worst music ever, ever written.  Congratulations.

The End.


TO BE CONTINUED…(probably tomorrow).  I don’t know if this is allowed in story tellin’, but I’ma doin’ it.