I realize this is a long blog.  But I just recently remembered how much I used to love choose your own adventure books!  Do they have those for adults?!? They should. anyway, I wrote one below. If you have time to read it…thanks. The story is called:

How Sweet the Sound

Page 1

The morning starts off great as you awake refreshed from a 128 hour nap and roll over to look into the lovely eyes of Princess Glow-baby. She is wearing her sexiest Tarantula-fur pajamas and still smells of your lovemaking and Crisco. *Bzzzzzztttt* she crackles through her robot voice box and hums gently in your ear.

“Oh no, don’t get me all turned on again…” you plead, wriggling away from her and slipping out of bed. “Last time you did that we made love standing up like horses and then slept for 4 days.” Even though you are human and she is in fact, robot, you have a connection with her like no other.

*Kzzzzt. tinkle. pzzzt. kok!* she exclaims excitedly.

“I know it’s amazing. I love it too. But please let me get out of bed and at least brush my nappy teeth.”

Walking groggily across your see-through glass floor, your eyes catch a glimpse of movement on the lower level directly below you.

It looks like a burglar is in your house and he appears to be stealing your Laser Death Ray-Gun 5000 that you carelessly left out next to your baby laying on the couch!

If you choose to jump up in the air really high, do three flips and crash through the glass to confront the robber ninja-style, please go to page 2.

If you choose to run back to bed and grab Princess Glow-baby for help, please go to page 3

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Page 2

You take a deep breath, fart and complete 3 beautiful forward flips, crash head first through the glass floor and land like a cat perfectly in front of the burglar. Pointing a finger at him, you shout-out a quote you believe is from the movie Rambo and say, “I’m your worst retard.”

The robber looks at you confused and you use this opportunity to grab the Laser Death Ray-Gun 5000. Unfortunately, due to a hereditary eye malady you grab your baby, Lubby, laying next to the laser gun instead. Cocking the baby, you point it at the intruder and squeeze. Nothing comes out of the baby but some drool and a smidge of pee.

This time, it’s your turn to look confused and realize your error too late as the burglar is now upon you! He magnificently knees you in the balls and you toss the defunct gun-baby aside. He grabs the Laser Death Ray-Gun 5000, points it at you and unleashes 30,000 ju-juwatts of raw energy into your face. Right into your fucking face.

The End.

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Page 3

Running back to bed, you take Princess Glow-baby by her hand and make haste to the nearest window.

Opening it, you realize you are 1,513 stories up from the street. You turn to her and say, “I don’t really feel like being confrontational today, so let’s not pick a fight with that burglar.” She nods her head in agreement.

“But…” you continue, “…I also don’t see how we are going to get out of here, considering we are so high up.”

*riizzzkk. pooot. zzrrttt!* she exclaims, pointing to the bottom of her robotic feet.

“OF COURSE! You can activate your jet thrusters on the bottoms of your feet and just FLY us out of here!” you yell excitedly.

Mounting Princess Glow-baby on her steel back, you hold on very tight as she springs forth from the open window in a beautiful swan dive. You free-fall a good 50 feet before she finally activates the thrusters and together you rocket through the sky at breakneck speeds and with a deafening roar.

ROOOOOAAAARRRRR!!!!!!

Higher and higher you climb!

Up into the atmosphere!

Straight through into the stratosphere!

Until….OUTER SPACE ITSELF.

If you choose to turn back and journey back to Earth because you’re a wee bit scared, please turn to page 4.

If you choose to continue and journey in outer space because you’re fucking rad, please turn to page 5.

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Page 4

Tapping Princess Glow-Baby on the shoulder, you ask to return to Earth because you are a bit scared of the unknown and getting kinda hungry. Also, you realize that since getting out of bed you have been naked this entire time (except for your pocketwatch) and very cold. You fly back down and stop at Chili’s, where you order the Southwest Eggs Rolls, a Margarita Presidente and leave a shitty tip for the waitress. Later that night, you both give Lubby a bath and fall asleep watching My Two Dads.

Terrible.

The End.

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Page 5

“Outer Space. It’s so…so… neat-o.” you say breathlessly to your robo-lover. Princess Glow-baby kills the jet thrusters and you are in awe at just how quiet it is.

You and her floating in space.

Comet tails zoom past you and their vapor trails tickle your ass. Shooting stars dance right before your eyes blinking their lights on and off erratically, communicating some kind of ancient,astrological morse code. It probably reads something like: I AM THE UNIVERSE AND THEREFORE INFINITE. Or maybe it’s WHEN WILL ROGER RABBIT 2 BE MADE? Something deep and profound for shizzle.

Just then, a blinding flash of brilliant blue and white light explodes in front of you and the baddest spaceship you’ve ever seen suddenly appears inches away from you.

*hzzzzty szzzt! whiiirr hink hink.* cries out Princess.

“Holy Shit is right!” you agree. “Yeah, they must’ve just came right out of a warp drive.”  you deducebag.

The massive spaceship in front of you rules. It looks like a badass pirate ship minus sails, cannons, wood, pirates, and lack of any water around whatsoever. It is however, covered in spikes, shoots flames out of over 1,000 orifices and the front of the ship is a giant glowing white skull and crossbones. The mouth of the skull slowly drops down to reveal coming out of a fog of smoke…

METALLICA! In spacesuits! But it’s the 1980s Metallica! Complete with long hair and their early younger years angst.

FUCK. YES.

Metallica beckons you to come aboard their spaceship. You float closer until the drummer, Lars, stops you just before entry and says to you, “Dude. We can only let YOU on board. We don’t take her kind here.” nodding with his head to Princess Glow-baby. “If you come aboard, you do it alone.” he states flatly.

If you choose not to enter the spaceship and leave with Princess Glow-baby back into outer space, please turn to page 6.

If you choose to turn to Princess, give her a gentle punch in her arm, tell her to “Take care lil’ Champ.” and enter the spaceship alone please turn to page 7.

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Page 6

Really?

You tell her to put on her reverse jet thrusters and as you fly away, you sadly wave goodbye to Metallica and to the coolest spaceship you’ve ever seen. Six minutes later you run out of oxygen (as you realize you were in outer space) and you die a cold, miserable death. Princess Glow-baby explodes into a million pieces 14 seconds later as a Soviet satellite crashes into her at an incredible speed.

A space wizard finds your body floating in space days later, and brings you back to the asteroid he lives upon. He tries unsuccessfully to revive you numerous times using various potions and spells. After his last failed attempt, he looks down at you, shrugs his shoulders and mutters, “Meh.”

The End.

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Page 7

You are greeted warmly by young Metallica but your lack of clothing disturbs them greatly. You are given some clothes (all in black of course), eat an ass-load of cinnamon oatmeal and meet up with them in the command room later in the day.

The command room is quite impressive with it’s array of Commodore 64 screens, Atari joysticks and fax machines. A large, clear window wrapping itself around the entire front half of the room offers an amazing view of a red planet below spinning slowly on it’s axis.

Band leader James Hetfield is seated at the Captains chair. He turns his chair around to you and says, “Hey man. A wise, weird looking high priest from the exotic land of Canada named Getty Lee once told us that we would come across a naked traveler floating in space. This person and this person only, would have the ability to play this.”

Lars brings over what can only be described as the most beautiful guitar you’ve ever seen and lays it gently in your arms.  The air around you crackles with electricity and raw energy as you put the strap over your shoulder.

“Dudes. I have a giant space boner right now.” Lars says, “This kid could be the one.”

“Not now, Lars.” James says quickly. He watches you closely.

The guitar feels unbelievably lightweight on you.  It’s painted cherry red and gold and the colors constantly swirl in a glorious, hypnotic pattern.  If you look at it too much it makes you dizzy.

You take the guitar pick that lies tucked neatly beneath the velvety strings. A gentle soothing hum fills the room.

You hesitate and look up at Metallica who nod at you simultaneously to go on.  The look in their eyes can only be described as terror and excitement. They are excitified.

Then you strike your first chord! F Major!

BBBBAAAAAWWAAAAAAANNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

It is the most perfect sound that you or any living being has ever heard. And it travels throughout the galaxy. Metallica immediately starts to weep.  The spaceship itself trembles and shudders with unashamed mechanical emotion. Somewhere a baby being born at that very instant hears the sound of that chord and shits itself.

Through heaving sobs James utters one word weakly, “Rock.”

After that fateful day, you travel the universe with Metallica and give interplanetary kick-ass concerts. The experiences you have are almost indescribable.

You see the massive twin suns setting on the distant planet Kaja

You play an all day concert for over 8 billion on the planet Dildoween.

You melt the faces (literally) off the entire race of Swedes.

And many, many more adventures await you….

The End.

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