1. Twilight is a novel about sexy, blood-thirsty Vampires.  Except the Vampires are mostly dudes, there’s no sex whatsoever, and they don’t kill any people. They eat deer or possibly field mice. 

2.  Edward and Bella are the two main characters.  We are told on every other page that Edward is the most handsome man of all men of all time.  Edward is constantly dazzling, entrancing, mesmerizing, and tantalizing everyone he meets, everywhere. (Including a waitress at Olive Garden.)  He is a Vampire who attends high school with 4 other of his Vampire brothers and sisters. (I don’t know why.  He is 122 years old and apparently  can’t find anything else to do with himself.) And apparently he can’t resist Bella.  But he turns into a kind of an abusive a-hole along the way. 

3. Bella is a teenage human girl who is clumsy and smells good.

4.  Most of the novel is about Bella looking at Edward and thinking about how great he looks.  Told in very corny, unoriginal ways. 

5. The Vampires can hang outside during the day as long as it’s fair to partly cloudy.  If it is sunny, then it looks  like they are wearing BODY GLITTER. Also, they have no fangs?!?!  WTF????

6.  The Vampires seem more like superheroes in the way that some can read minds, others can predict the future and they all can run really fast.  Oh, and some are super strong of course.  It’s like the author sat down to write about Vampires, decided real Vampires are too scary for her and decided to watch “Heroes” on NBC instead.  THEN she wrote about Vampires for 12 year old girls. 

7.  Edward watches Bella sleep all the time. In which she is completely unaware that this happens. This does not creep her out.  Also, it does not creep her out too bad that there are such things as actual Vampires and she is in love with Edward’s cold, glittery junk. 

8. Edward kills the bad Vampire at the end of the book but there is no description of that event actually happening. Bella wants to become a Vampire like Edward so she can be with him forever.  Edward says, “No.” and then says to Bella “Go make me some waffles.” 

 

Hypothesis:     Here are 5 Vampires I can think of that are better to spend your time with than Edward Cullen:

 

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I love that Amanda is obsessed with these books! It mystifies and humors me so.

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