Today at Work I Was Attacked


HELEN: early fifties, light blue cardigan, white dress pants. Easily excitable personality
GRACE: late seventies, petite, conservative white skirt and matching jacket, large eyeglasses
DAVID: mid thirties, gray and black shirt, gray pants, grayish hair, needs to shave, fake leg.

Scene: Upstage center is a high-end antique store that has Victorian-era style architectural influences. A very common site in the fancy areas of Northbrook and Glenview. The name of this Antique store is called “Circa Antiques”. Very expensive vases, plates, silverware and paintings fill the display windows and are arranged tastefully through much of the store. HELEN and GRACE are standing just outside the doors of Circa Antiques. Lights come up as DAVID enters downstage right talking on his Blackberry walking slowly past the store.

DAVID: Yeah, I’ll try and see what I can do. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sound great. Bye.
HELEN: (waving frantically) Sir? Oh excuse me. Sir?
DAVID: Yes? What’s going on?
HELEN: Can you come in here and help us? We have this little problem.
DAVID: Well, I can try. (follows HELEN into store)
GRACE: Hello, I’m Grace and this is Helen. What is your name young man?
DAVID: I’m David. It’s nice to meet you.
GRACE: Nice to meet you Stephen. We have a guest here that won’t go-
DAVID: (interrupting and chuckling) No. No my name’s David.
GRACE: (ignoring DAVID) -away. We need you to get it out of the store.

HELEN approaches a large wooden bookcase and points to the top of it where a baby hawk-like bird is perched. The bird sits moving very little and seems unfazed by what’s going on around it. The bird is also cute.

HELEN: It won’t leave! We can’t get it out of the store. We opened the door for fresh air and it just flew right on in! Isn’t that something?
DAVID: Weeeeirrrddd. It’s not really moving. I think it’s sick or hurt.
HELEN: Can you get it to fly back outside?
DAVID: (looks around store) Um, well I guess I could try. (pause) I don’t want to knock over any of your fine wares. Seems like you guys have some REALLY nice things.
GRACE: Oh, no go right on ahead. Look here. I try to get it to move and it won’t do anything for me.

GRACE grabs a newspaper and tries to push the bird. The bird just looks at her.

DAVID: (confidently) Alrighty, let me see what I can do.

(DAVID takes a deep breath and gently pushes baby bird. Baby bird hawk makes a terrible CAAAAWWWHH!!! CAAAAAWWWH!!! sound and flies directly at DAVID’s face. DAVID and the women scream and run away. He bumps into a table where a $40,000 vase wobbles back and forth. HELEN trips over bronze antique fire poker. Baby bird flies around store and into large storefront window. Baby bird hawk now sits on window ledge. DAVID, GRACE and HELEN approach it cautiously)

DAVID: (out of breath) Yeah, something is not right about this bird. Look at it.
HELEN: (rubbing knee) Hmmm. You’re right. I think it IS hurt.
GRACE: Poor bird.
DAVID: (excitedly). Oh my God. I know what’s wrong with it! It’s missing its’ tail. THIS BIRD HAS NO TAIL.
GRACE: I think you’re right.
HELEN: I don’t know. Aren’t these birds born with small tails?
DAVID: I actually have no idea. But get me a box and a heavy towel and I will try and get him into the box.

(HELEN leaves and returns moments later with a large, green towel and a cardboard box. Hands it to DAVID)

DAVID: Ok baby bird. Let’s get you back outside where you belong.
GRACE: Don’t touch him with your hands or he will be shunned. (laughs) No, not shunned. He won’t be liked. Oh, you know what I’m trying to say.
DAVID: I know what you meant. (Grabs bird with towel on first try and holds him up.) Yeah! Gotcha. Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok. (baby bird making sad,chirping sounds)

(DAVID takes baby bird-hawk outside and is almost immediately attacked by momma bird-hawk* who enters the fuck out of nowhere from upstage left. Momma bird dive bombs DAVID several times and is also making terrible bird sounds)

HELEN: (yelling and pointing at all the insanity) It’s the mother!!! Oh my gosh! Put him down and run Stephen!

DAVID: (calm like yet very scared) Yes. I’m trying.

(DAVID places baby bird hawk onto grass and runs away. Lights fade as DAVID is seen running up stairs of theatre being chased by momma bird with baby bird hawk in tow. Baby bird hawk is smiling)

HELEN and GRACE: Goodbye! Be careful! Thank you so much!

Lights go to black.
Audience goes crazy and wild applause happens.

*this part can be played by a real momma bird or an actor in a large bird costume