It is impossible to ever sink the two, five, nine  and eight ball in a standard game of billiards.

The tuba was named for my great aunt, Tuba Farrar.  A real fat ass.

In medieval times, cavities in your  teeth were called “sugar kisses.”  Cavities in your body were called stab wounds.

“Winnie the Pooh” means ‘Thank you” in Egypt.

The first time someone ever tried to lasso a bull, it was hysterical for a few seconds and then incredibly tragic.

BONUS TIME: 3 sentences that have probably never been said, ever:

We called him Uncle Disco because he had spinal cancer.

Once this glue dries on my shotgun, all these penguins will start fucking each other.

That spaghetti, lo and behold, made seven German babies invisible.

Today I feel like writing about the baby and Amanda!  For our friends and family who know Amanda and I and want to know what it has been like, I shall describe it briefly below…

The first few months to me after finding out the exciting news that yes indeed we are going to have a baby, it didn’t seem to me at all that Amanda was pregnant.  Amanda would say otherwise I’m sure.  Sure, she vomited every single day at home, in the office or even at the Progressive Auto Claims Department, but to me it just didn’t seem real that there was a life growing in her womb. It seemed like she was getting a daily case of mild food poisoning.  My own thoughts were consumed with how she was feeling, fear of not getting through the first trimester and please oh please, let the tests come back O.K. for a healthy baby.

Then as her belly and boobs grew and the more and more people around us became excited that we made it through the first trimester, it did start becoming more real to the both of us.

(Baby _____, if you are reading this in the future, please know that the first time I ever felt you kick in Amanda’s stomach was one of the most amazing moments ever in my life.) THAT is exactly when things started to get real for me. That may read lame, but it is true. You can look all you want at a positive pregnancy test strip, watch an ultrasound or see your wife’s belly get rounder and rounder, but I think for many dads to be, it isn’t really sinking in until you can actually feel that new life moving around.

So here we are at 33 weeks. The baby is kicking with the ferocity of a thousand Peles. Everything is checking out fine so far. Amanda, besides bad heartburn and general uncomfortableness, has had things go her way the way they should be. She has been incredible and her mood, energy and outlook has been extremely impressive. I am so proud of her.  The midwives all have seemed great and check-ups have yielded little or no surprises or problems. [knocks on wood].  We started our first birthing class on Friday and watched a woman in Mexico deliver her own baby.  In a bath tub. Without drugs, screaming or freaking out. AND she at three giant plates of beans that day. All very impressive.

My thoughts and feelings these days have been ones of surprisingly mellowness. Don’t get me wrong. I am extremely excited and very ready to meet and love this baby. But I do have to admit, that I have little nervousness or apprehension at this moment. I think we feel ready, honestly. We are in a good place. We are very lucky. The only semi-constant thought that creates stress for me, comes down to financial aspects. I have no idea what a baby is going to cost. This is when I write the line “But a baby is priceless. You can’t put a price tag on a baby.”  But I try not to think about that too often.

Mainly, I’m just excited to go down this new path with Amanda and see how much our lives are going to be forever changed. Because I have no doubt that we are going to love this kid with our whole heart and raise her to the best of our ability. Not to mention the love that this kid will get from the family and network of great friends (that will automatically become aunts and uncles!) and become part of her life.

So here’s to a healthy and happy baby and a smooth delivery!

Cheers!

Bonus section:

Names for the baby that we both like: Sally, Hazel, Gwendolyn.

Names for the baby that I like: Splenda, Cornea, Jemima, Alabama, Jazz, Kicking Bird, Bjork.

Now awake from that terrible dream in which you were used as a human toilet by the cast of Head of the Class.

Might get to work on time for once. Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw. Just kiddin’

It’s now OK to un-spoon your baby goat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZzQfdBWhCk

(Unbeknownst to them is that we would have made awful members because our aversion to smoking, our love of wearing shirts and the inability to grow tiny, thin mustaches.)

Man, we were so obsessed with drawing Bloom County and Calvin N’ Hobbes!  That’s all we do for hours and then go expel more energy outside by crashing on our skateboards.  I wish I kept up with drawing on a regular basis because I do really enjoy it. The good part of this story (besides the above photo) is that I’ve started drawing again, this time on the iPad, and it has been quite a joy. I use a program called Art Studio on it. The learning curve was medium. http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/artstudio-draw-paint-edit/id354818333?mt=8  I still have much to learn about shading and coloring.

And after drawing whatever, I even managed to get into making coasters for people by using the astounding adhesive known as decoupage. Or as I like to ask for it at the counter when I went to Michael’s Craft Store for the first time:  ”Magic Glue.” Cue the employee’s eye roll!  ”Betty, can you help this young man find decoupage glue? He doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

(Editor’s Note: If you are like me and never used this product before, your first words after applying it to your drawing or photo, are bound to be “Well, I screwed that up.” But wait! It dries totally clear. MAGIC.)

So here are a couple of samples of things as of late that I’ve been doodling and making.

Eeny & Meany

Sugar & Spice

1 of 4

2 of 4

Obviously. the above is a progression piece that will keep showing the girl and alien getting older together. I’ll post the other when I finish ‘em soon. Girls’ pose is from an online photo.

Now below there are a couple of Wizard of Oz sketches I did and that on some of them, namely the Lion and Dorothy, were taken off work done by an artist that I greatly admire, Skottie Young. His style is so cool and has been an inspiration to me. He has been the artist for the Wizard of Oz comic that’s been out for a bit now.  Check out his gallery. It is awesome!!! http://skottieyoung.deviantart.com/

Then I did a set of them by printing them out and using decoupage to make coasters…

I also did several robot characters that had a letter on them that I made into coasters too.  The monsters and the robots may actually be sold at a local art store in my neighborhood! (Not the Wizard of Oz ones of course). Kinda cool, huh?

That’s it for now! I’ll keep you posted on the progress. Drawing is fun and HAPPY 2012!!

I think that most organized religions themselves started out as a generally good idea, but then as with many things, (i.e. The Saw movie franchise, The plot to Lost), they get abused and over-complicated. Thousands of years ago, it might’ve started with Moses making biscuits and gravy for everyone one morning and he started getting on a roll and began saying things like, “Don’t kill, don’t steal, don’t drool over your buddy’s wife with that spankable ass.” Blah blah blah.

Then the next thing you know, the story maybe gets changed from generation to generation and now instead of making breakfast he’s up in the mountain for days and comes down with thunder and lightning and with tablets that he inscribed directly from the word of God. Who knows what really happened?

And I know that being spiritual doesn’t mean religious. My friend Brian who I hung out with in my teens and the first person I ever met from California, told me that his religion was the ocean. This cemented early on for me the fact that all people from California really were flakey. I KID.  But it took me awhile to get used to his concept and after talking to him I learned that he found spirituality in the ocean. For him, that’s where he went to think, reflect, meditate and of course, carve some tasty waves, bro.

I was jealous that he made it all seem so simple and for him it worked. Unfortunately, he was stuck as far away from the ocean as one can almost be in the U.S., and this may be a sad fact in which he turned to drugs and alcohol to cope.

I myself had 12 years of Catholicism which taught me plenty about its own ideas, yet never talked about others religious beliefs on any kind of level.  That’s rather sad.  I imagine it’s the same for other religions too, but I could be quite wrong on that.

I think going forward I’m going to try and learn about other religions ideologies and create my own patented Super Religion 2000! For example, one thing that I try to keep in my mind and that I more or less picked up from Catholic school is “Treat others how you wish to be treated.”

That’s a very nice concept and going forward, “Treat others how you wish to be treated,” shall be my NUMBER ONE RULE. Thank you Catholic Church because I like to be treated to ice cream!  And skateboard time. Which brings me to my next rule:

RULE NUMBER TWO: Spend more time learning about religious figures.

I wonder if he's sponsored?

This Jesus...maybe not the best to double your fun with unless going to a Rave.

You can double your fun and time with Mohammed too! (But I don’t think he skateboards. More of a rollerblading deity I believe.)

Picture of Mohammed not on file

Even double your fun with the lovable Dali Lama!

You. You I like.

My point is this: If you want, educate yourself as much as you can on the background of the major figureheads of religion, pick out some of the things that you like what they’ve done (i.e… gave to the poor, believed in fewer material possessions, took care of the sick) and apply it more to your everyday way of life if possible. I mean if several people inspired billions of people (sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad ways, let’s face it), surely combining several of their best and most moral practices can’t be that bad of an idea, right?

THANKS DAVE!

I guess Robin Hood had a lot of good virtues too, so if you want to include him and his ideas too, that’s fine as well.He probably also was the most fun.

Finally, RULE NUMBER THREE: Question the existence of God and help each other. 

I don’t care if you believe in a God or not. That’s your call.

Sure. I hear ya. But that's kinda lazy thinking, maybe?

With my Super Religion 2000, I don’t have the answer to that anyway. I myself, would like to believe that even if there’s a God(s) or not, we were all put here for some reason.

I’m fairly sure that reason is to help each other get through life.

I have no idea how this happened, but it feels good.

And that about sums it up.

I want you all to ask yourselves, “How do you feel about this year?”

Did you get things done that you set out to do?  Did you discover something new and wonderful about yourself or others?  Did you make a change or difference (good or bad) in some way, shape or form during this year?

For God’s sake, did you do anything this year?!

You know, I always like the saying, “That when’s there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.”   Please tell me that you at least became a mighty Phoenix and rose from the ashes of what remained of you and you became something better and more magnificent than before…

I mean, that’s not asking for much is it?

Let’s start with how you feel about eating BBQ ribs. Or should I say how much BBQ did you eat this year? For example, I started out the year becoming obsessed with going out to eat at different BBQ restaurants and I wound up having a pretty great year. I’m not sure if the two are related (they probably are), but maybe you should consider your amount of BBQ eaten vs. overall success of 2011 ratio. If you had kind of a bad year, may I suggest eating more BBQ in 2012? {Editor’s note; I would like to thank Amanda, Lance, Katy, Rawson, Tom Malinowski and the ghost of Laura Ingalls Wilder for the help in consuming so much BBQ meat in 2011.}

Secondly, let’s talk about how much time you spent outside this year. It’s a well-known fact that these people are more depressed than the average person:

• A mime trapped in a “box”
•  A World War 2 P.O.W. still held captive in a secret Nazi underground bunker just outside of Prague
• Submarine people
• A successful Japanese business man

What do these folks all have in common? That’s right, they don’t go outside.  They’re stuck inside all day. It’s a big, beautiful world out there and if you don’t go outside and remember that from time to time, you will stifle your development and sense of wonder. Not only will you get the disease rickets, due to lack of sunlight, but you will also become more depressed and withdrawn.  My advice, is to get outside at least for an hour a day if possible and try to catch a squirrel or touch a bird’s ass.

Now, I myself did not take any fantastical voyages this year, but I was outside everyday in the summer working on the backyard. Sometimes, and I can’t believe I’m telling you this, I would just lay down in the grass and just smell the earth. Isn’t that weird? If I was an inventor I’d invent a little packet of grass and earth that you can carry around with you and when you are trapped inside all day you can just take it out and smell it. They may already have something similar like that called “candles” or scratch n’ sniff stickers but whatever, I’m writing the stories here.

Lastly, let me tell you that it’s O.K. if you didn’t have the greatest year ever. You are beautiful. There is only one you. It’s A-okay if you don’t like your hair, your weight, the weight of your hair, your foot odor, your hyena like laugh, the way that you look in high-waisted pants, the way you look high or wasted in your pants or anything about yourself. Somebody out there does or will. Your mother, your father, your sister or brother, your current lover or future lover (the one with the jetpack), your friend, wife or godparent. My point is this, You are a unique and wonderful person and have the ability to make your own happiness, luck, destiny and pizza.

Now get ready for 2012 armed with this knowledge and mighty insight and make it a great year for yourself.

Sincerely,

Dr. David Farrar, M.D.

I want the words to spill out onto to this page

but they can’t find their way

i’m like a magician who tries to shout out exotic, intoxicating words

like ”Abracadabra”

but what I say instead is

“Milk Duds”

Why does the above photo exist?

Why are we all here?

What’s up with the moon? Kinda weird isn’t it?

She is falling down drunk and she is trying to tell him something. The people around them silently move out of their way as they hold each other and rock gently back and forth. A tangle of her hair falls across her face and over the bridge of her slender nose. She gives it a quick puff out of the corner of her grin and she tosses her head back, letting out a gentle laugh.

“I want to…I want to tell you something,” she says and her eyes lock into his. She points a finger at his chest and slides it down.

“Go ahead. I’m right here.”

They pay no attention to the music and muted conversations around them. The lights here are too bright and sometimes he has to squint at her, but she moves so easily and gracefully in his  arms that he is barely aware.

She leans forward and whispers, “Someone once told me that you’re already home where you feel loved.”

He replies, “Yes. And?”

She continues, “I feel like I am home. Right now.”

He pulls away slightly and his eyes narrow, ” Umm. That’s real nice and all but we just met and I’m pretty sure that those are all lyrics to a song.”

“No. No don’t be silly. Can you feel the love tonight?” she says a little louder and much deeper now as she swings harder from side to side. Her hair is a beautiful, tangled mess.

“O.K. Now that right there. What you just said?  That is from a song for sure, ” he wiggles away a bit and loosens his embrace.

“I don’t understand. Oh baby. Do you know what that’s worth? We’ll make heaven a place on earth,” she reaches back for him longingly.

“No. No I don’t like this. Don’t like this at all,” his eyes frantically dart around the Ponderosa restaurant scanning for exits.

He stumbles away from her and heads for the nearest door. Someone has made an awful mess out of the soft serve station.  He doesn’t even realize that he has slipped on a yin yang puddle of half-melted chocolate and vanilla ice cream until he is midway into his fall. With a terrible thud, the back of his head hits the dirty carpet.

As his life begins to drain out of his body, the last thing he sees is her. She is standing above him and she has made a small sculpture of him.

It’s made from mashed potatoes from the buffet.

AND THAT IS WHY YOU NEVER PICK UP DRUNK PROSTITUTES AT PONDEROSA.

Polio

Fuck This is Some Cold Water

Old Mice

Drakkkkkar Nooooooir

Meaternity

Crazy Obsession!!

BONUS FACTZ!

CK1 originally called C-3P0 and Hugo Boss was once called Who’s the Boss but only in Connecticut, where it can still be bought under that name.  You’re welcome!

They say that you can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps, the women that he has slept with and the kind of animals he has at his petting zoo.  (I might have paraphrased that) List below includes people I’d like to hang out with, smooch, ride in a sidecar with or for some of them, all of the above. (Editor’s Note: some of them are time specific) 

Abraham Lincoln -Always looked like he just woke up, liked theatre, probably knew some great party tricks, kick ass president (hang out with)

Han Solo- Great pilot, cool under pressure , best friends with Chewbacca…so, not racist. (hang out with)

Elizabeth Hurley-Extremely gorgeous, great accent, surprisingly a decent actress in comedies, seems like she’d maybe talk to you if you sat next to her in an airplane and there was no Skymall magazine for her to read. (smooch)

Bjork from her Human Behavior video days-Adorable, wonderfully weird, creative, speaks only in giggles and can talk to rain.  (smooch AND hang out with)

Dean Martin- nicknamed the King of Cool, can make George Clooney seem like a no-talent, ugly chump, loved Sammy Davis Jr….so, not racist (hangout with)

John Kricfalusi- Ren and Stimpy creator, made cartoons funny and weird again, has nice hair, responsible for influencing me during very impressionable years of my life (ages 15-35) (hang out with)

Tina Fey, Rashida Jones and Amy Poehler- very funny, smart and beautiful women who look nice wearing glasses, enjoy smiling, familiar with Chicago and probably secretly like reading comics.  I put the three of them together because it seems a shame to separate them. They look so nice together! (smooch AND hang out with)

Mad Max- (Not Mel Gibson)  can survive in very harsh conditions, excellent driving skills, likes dogs, eventually adopts 26 children (See Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome) (hang out with) 

Aishwarya Rai- called the most beautiful woman in the world,  Queen of Bollywood, probably looks just awful naked. (maybe smooch)

Marie Curie-  brilliant scientist, partied with Albert Einstein, won a couple of Nobel Prizes, helped reform women’s education, experiments helped lead to the invention of  the X-ray and killed over 70 bears using only her hands. (hang out with)

Jimi Hendrix- invented teleportation, actual age was 1,871 , could fly, real name was Q’thal the Conqueror and hailed from the planet Kluxatong. (hang out with)

Amanda Eresh/Farrar 1998- present day- Amazing dancer, beautiful inside and out, super smart,  fashion icon, sweetest person I know without a bad bone in her body, goes along with silly ideas. (hang out AND smooch)