So here’s the deal.

I meet a new patient this week and  visit him at his dimly  lit, cigarette and drug smellin’, feels-like-I’m-in-the-movie-Seven apartment.

He’s in his early 50s and looks just like an older version of Matthew McConaughey’s character in Dazed and Confused.

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aaalllright aaalllright. Check out my salmon color pants, bro.

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He greets me at the door with a big grin and doesn’t want to give me a handshake.  Oh no, not at all.  Instead he instructs me to “lay him some skin”.  In which,of course,  I do so immediately and I already begin to feel like i am in some kind of 70′s sitcom.  So much in fact that when I do walk into his large studio apartment, I could almost hear the clapping of the live studio audience applauding my entrance scene.

Once I’m standing there talking to him about why I am there, I slowly begin to take in my surroundings. The first thing i notice is that there are four amazing items adorning his walls above his all-black and satin-sheeted bed.

Items from left to right

#1 item: It’s one of those really terrible 80s clown faces that are made of ceramic.  One tear is falling down it’s terrible, shiny, tacky face.

kinda like this but WAY creepier

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#2 Item: A poster (that is framed!) of a skeleton doing another skeleton missionary style in a graveyard with the words “BONE-her” written in large white letters underneath the fornicating skeletons. It is probably a black-lite poster but did not look long enough to determine if that is true.

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#3 item: Another poster also framed, done by  the same artist mentioned above, of a skeleton giving another skeleton a blow job.  This times the words “Dead-Head” are written underneath. (At this point I’m starting to say a lot of uhhhs and ummms….while talking to him out of clear distraction.)

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#4 item: This lovely framed poster is by a different artist but has a similar theme.  (I guess).  It’s a drawing of what looks like McGruff the Crime Dog saying the words “Doggy Style” in fancy cursive. That’s it.  A dog wearing a trench coat saying “Doggy Style.”  Yep.  Pretty weird.

OK

So now I’m saying things to weird, old version of Matthew McConaughey on ‘auto-pilot’ because I’m truly fascinated by what else I’m going to see.

I start to take my phone out to see if I can somehow sneak a photo of his place and lovely posters, but I was unfortunately unable to do so as he watched me quite closely. I couldn’t even get a photo of the uber big dreamcatcher that hangs suspended over the center of his bed.

Directly behind me I view the wall that houses the door I entered through and upon viewing it, it makes me give out a long, low whistle.

He has axes and swords hanging all over his wall.

And many of them.

There’s no real pattern or design.  It’s like he just said, “Hey. I love swords. i love axes.  I’m going to hang them up on my wall however the hell I want to. I’m just gonna basically throw ‘em on up there”

Did they look like this?:

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this actually MIGHT have been acceptable

Um. NO.

Instead it was more…

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like this. But with more swords and axes hanging askew. EVERYWHERE.

So now I’m a little freaked because there are several warning bells going off in my head.  ”Let’s see.  There’s the smell of drugs in the air, freaky necrophiliac posters up on the walls and lots and lots of sharp weapons hanging all around me.  maybe I should leave?”

But then i see a nice framed painting of a unicorn with a rainbow behind it in the kitchen.  Then I honestly start thinking, ” Well, there is that picture if a unicorn.  I guess he can’t be all that bad.”

Even worse I see a calendar of naked women hanging next to it.  That of course distracts me because not only are there boobies but it also gets me thinking, “Do they still make these kind of calendars?? Where did he even buy this from?!?”

I realize I should get myself out of there because enough is enough, right?  I didn’t want to end up in this guys crawl space after he wacks me over the head with a wall axe while I’m distracted by his amazing “art.”

I do not “slide him any more skin” as I excuse myself to step out and take a fake phone call.

Final outcome score:

Probable serial killer:0   Dave: 1

P.S. Fold this blog in half for a map to his apartment!

P.S.S.  My technician Ron, went to the same place the next day and the patient came out with his girlfriend who has one arm and he says to Ron,” Heeey.  Where’s Dave?  tell him I need all the drugs!”  Then he starts laughing all crazy.

Ron was scared.

No lie.